Glowing Eyes (Joshler)

[2] Steady Damage

(TRIGGER WARNING! FLASH BACKS OF SELF HARM/SUICIDE ATTEMPT READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

"Tyler..." Josh started, "you - I don't know how to say this." He paused and started looking around a bit, fishing for things to say, "Will you listen to me if I tell you this?" He signed.

I eagerly nodded, "Yeah, dude. I'll listen to whatever you have to tell me. You're my best friend."

He looked down at the ground then looked back up, staring me right in the eyes. "Tyler, I know this is gonna be hard for you to understand... And I promise you I'm not lying at all, I'd never lie to you."

I rolled my eyes and nudged his shoulder, "Josh, stop stalling and tell me what's wrong!"

Josh took a deep breath then sighed. "Tyler, your mom told me that if this happened again, I'm supposed to tell you what's going on." He looked around and rubbed his face, "I know you're gonna be upset with me when I tell you this!"

"Josh!" I grabbed his shoulders and shook him, "Tell me!" I started feeling anxious about what he was planning to tell me. Was he dating that girl or something? Was he some sort of killer? Was he working with The Exterminators? If he's nervous to tell me, it must be something he's been thinking over a lot, right? Right...?

He grabbed my hands and looked down at them, he did this whenever he was nervous to tell me anything. Josh told me about that in elementary school, I guess it was just a weird nervous habit of his - as I stated before. But this time when he grabbed my hands, it felt different... I felt different. My heart rate sped up, my body went hot. His cold hands felt good against my warm hands. Now I was the nervous one. When did this feeling all of a sudden develop?

It had almost been ten minutes since the dismissal bell rang and Josh was still struggling to tell me what was on his mind.

"Okay, Tyler, those people you're seeing?" He held my hands tighter, "They're... They're not real."

I looked at Josh and smiled, "I know," I lied, "but it's kinda difficult to not freak out when your brain is making you see things. But why were you so nervous to tell me?" I raised my eyebrows.

'He's nervous because there's something else he's thinking about.' The voice in my head was trying to tell me.

Josh let go of my hands and cupped my face, "Tyler I know you're lying but I have no clue why... And I was nervous to tell you because in the past when I've tried to tell you, you went on about how you can't go back to the Ohio Hospital for Psychiatry."

I shivered at the thought of that place. Mental hospitals don't make people get better, it makes them worse. Punishing them for the bad by throwing them in small, white rooms with their arms tied at their chest with no control over their body or the situation.

'You belong back in that hospital. You're nothing but a danger to society that can snap at any time. Remember what happened the last time you snapped? That was the reason you were put in the hospital in the first place. You couldn't take the stress of The Exterminators.' The voice laughed.

My whole body flushed as I recalled the memory of what happened.

I was at my house, sitting at the edge of a filled bath tub in a locked bathroom.

'Do it,' the voice called in my head, 'it'll all be over soon.'

Tears ran down my face and onto my black skinny jeans as I looked down at the pocket knife in my hand. I didn't want to do this, but I knew I had to. It was the only way all this would stop. They'd stop trying if I stopped living.

I set down the pocket knife and picked up my phone from the sink, unlocking it and going to my contacts and typed out a thirty-nine letter text message.

"Thank you for being such a good friend to me, Josh."

Send

I set my phone down on top of a letter I had also left on the sink. Then I twisted my body around and sank into the water, causing my light blue shirt to turn into a darker blue and making my black jeans look a bit darker. I propped my head up on the slanted back part of the tub so by head wouldn't fall into the water. Reaching over onto the side of the tub, I grabbed the pocket knife and brought it into the water. I took the pocket knife in my left hand and lifted my right arm above the water. Little droplets of water dripped off my arm as it was lifted from the bath water. With my wrists facing up, I gently glided the tip of the knife along my veins. Without hesitation I slid the knife across my wrist, making a small cut. I watched as the blood slowly flowed out of the fresh wound and dripped into the water.

'If you're going to do this, do it now!' The voice yelled.

I jumped at the volume of the voice, causing me to drop the knife in the now red tinted water. I reached into the water and fished for the knife which made my wrist burn like crazy. Sighing, I pulled the knife out of the water. As soon as I retrieved the knife, I hovered it tip first above my vein. Tears pouring down my face, I pressed the knife deep into my wrist. I clenched my jaw and bit down on my bottom lip at the pain. I started to slowly cut down my wrist as I began to feel dizzy.

So much blood... So much. The water wasn't even tinted red anymore, now it was coloured a deep crimson red. One last tear slipped down my face before I blacked out.

"Tyler?" Josh said causing me to snap out of my thoughts, "Why are you crying?" He reached up and wiped away a tear that was sliding down my face.

I sniffed and shook my head, "I'll tell you later, right now I just need to get home and calm down. Will you stay at my house with me? My mom and dad are still at work, Zack and Jay are going to the community center to shoot hoops, and Madison is over at Jenna's house. I just... I can't be home alone right now." I said, subconsciously scratching at my scarred wrist.

Josh quickly grabbed my arms so I would stop as he agreed to stay at my house.

"Okay, let's go then." I said as we began to walk out the school doors.