To Be Skinny {revised and completed}

41.3

Mom cried.

Dad went silent.

He looked dissapointed.

I never wanted to hurt you

He got up and went to their room. He didnt come back out.

Mom wouldn't stop. She tried to speak but every word she attempted to choke out was silenced by her sobs.

She was confused.

"Why?

"Why would you do this to yourself?

I don't know what got to into me

"How could you do this to yourself?

I don't know what invaded my brain

"Please, just answer me.

"I'm not mad, I'm not angry.

I shouldn't have done what I did

"Please, talk to me, Sky. I need to understand. I want to help you.

"Why won't you let me help you?

I was angry

I wasn't thinking straight that night

"Whatever you need, I'm here, you know that, don't you?"

"Yes, mom."

"I'm worried, and I want to know why you would st- do what you did."

"I don't know. I- I just wasn't thinking."

"That's not an excuse, Sky. I need the truth."

I overeacted that night

"Well that's what I'm giving you! Ok, I. Dont. Know. I was being stupid!"

"Please, there's no reason to raise your voice, I dont want this to become a fight. I deserve an explanation, I'm your mother."

"Fine! You want an explanation? I hate myself! I hate everything about myself! I hate my body, I hate my personality, I hate everything! I don't want to be alive! I wish I didn't exist! I. Want. To. Die. Do you understand now?"

"I- I can't believe this. I'm so sorry. How did I not see this before? I-"

"You didn't see it because you're never around! Maybe if you were, you'd notice me, or how you're missing the scale from your bathroom!

"Maybe you'd notice me losing my mind."

I'm sorry I lashed out that night

"Please, stop. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry, Sky. It's all my fault."

"Stop making me feel guilty! I already feel like shit! It's not your fault that I did this to myself, it's my own. I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that."

"Sky, we need to make it through this together. The only person who can make you better is yourself. I'm going to be around more. I'll stop picking up so many extra shifts at work, I'll be here for you. But that won't make you better. I can be around you all the time, but I can't magically make you better. Only you can do that for yourself. So, do you want to get better?"

I lied to you that night, after my outburst. I'm still sorry about yelling at you. But i lied, and I wish I could take that back.

"Yes, of course I do."