thirty six +
Three months have passed.
That's probably the most sad four words I've ever written. I'm not ready to go back to New York and turn my writing into an entire issue. I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready.
For now, though, I'm drunk. I'm sober enough to know what's going on, I'm sober enough to still have coherent thoughts that sound like me. Maybe being tipsy is good enough for now.
The crew went out as a little goodbye to me, everyone wrapping their heavy arms around me and leaving a kiss on my forehead. They'd talk about how proud they are of me, how someone so young is doing so much.
Luke didn't say anything until an hour after midnight. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest, his fingers locking together. He still didn't speak.
I raised my arm without spilling my beer and looked down at him clutching my torso. "Well, hey there."
He didn't respond. I could feel him swallow a lump in his throat as he looked up, his blue eyes glassy. "I'm not drunk and I know I don't want you gone."
I rested my hand on the top of his spine. "Luke," his name left my lips so sadly.
He blinked his eyes a few times before letting go of me and standing up. He pulled the sleeve of his shirt down over his fingers and dabbed at the corner of his right eye, "I'm not crying."
I smiled, "Yes, you are. You big baby." I put down my drink on the bar counter, laying down a feel bills to pay my tab. I reached over to him, my hands at his collar, "Let's go back to my room."
He nodded, the smallest of a smile rising on his lips.
Luke reached down, connecting our hands. He guided me from the hotel bar and through the lobby. We reached the elevator and our hands never dropped. He squeezed the palm of my hand tighter, looking up at me with big, blue eyes. "You leave in 6 hours and I want to see you again."
"Okay," I responded. I let go of his hand, my fingers crawling to the dimples of his back. I pulled him closer until our hips met in the middle.
He was slouching a lot, making him close to my height. Luke rested his arms on my shoulders as we waited for the elevator to reach us. He leant in, his forehead resting on mine. "I feel for you."
"Okay," I said again.
His lips were shaking and I think he was scared, "I really care for you, and I don't care for a lot of people."
The corners of my lips twitched into a smile. I leant in, kissing the bump of his nose. "Today isn't going to be the end."
The elevator opened and I let his arms drop to his side. He leant against the far end of the elevator and I leant against the other. I pressed floor 14 and watched the doors close.
I could feel Luke's eyes on my own, I could hear his breathing slow and shallow. I looked up from the ground, looking back at him and giving him a smile. It wasn't really a happy moment, but at that very second it wasn't much of a sad moment.
We both knew that the near future wasn't going to be the best. He's going to go one way and I'm gonna go the other. This isn't going to be one hotel room away anymore, this is going to be cities and states and counties and oceans away.
He will live his life and I will live my own. I'm not ready to go home, but at the same time I'm more homesick than I have ever felt before.
We got to my floor, heading to my room without any words. I took my room key out, struggling to get the green light to flicker and open up my room.
Luke leant against me, his arms climbing up my chest as his head leant on my shoulder. His lips were on my neck, leaving soft, fragile kisses up the small hairs.
I got it unlocked, walking in and turning on a few lights.
Luke sat down on my bed, sitting back until his back hit the pillows where I was napping only hours before. He began unbuttoning his worn out flannel.
I crawled onto the sheets, standing up on my knees and looking at him like he's the love of my life. Who knows? I find myself asking a lot. Maybe he is.
I straddled his thighs, stopping his actions. My hands were on his cheeks and I rubbed my thumb over his dark, puffy under-eye circles.
If this were some perfect romance movie, I would let out a soft whisper confessing my love for him. But, this isn't. I know that I deserve someone better, I deserve someone that will treat me like royalty. Luke isn't that, he doesn't treat me like a princess and I can only hope that that changes.
He blinks a few times before leaning in, our lips meeting as his hands climbs up my back. And, I swear, he whispers a quiet, almost silent, "I love you."
For the first time in my entire life, I made love.
I'm not ready for this to be over lol. What are your thoughts?
