Raising Brooklyn (Sequel to Baby on Board)

one

"I mean, I love her to death but theres some nights where its hard for me to be happy. When she doesn't stop crying, I just don't know  what to do and when I try to get her to stop and it doesn't work I just get more and more upset."

"Upset about what?"

"Myself mostly. I just get upset that I'm not doing whats best for her and I can't get her to stop and when she doesn't stop I get upset with her and she can't help it shes just a 3 month old baby."

"Why do you think you aren't doing whats best for her?"

"Because sometimes I think the best thing for her is to be in a stable home with a stable income and two stable parents. And instead of two stable parents, she has a stable father and me. I mean just look at me, I'm a mess. She doesn't deserve me, she doesn't deserve this life I'm giving her. She deserves so much better."

"Why do you think she would be better off with two stable parents?"

"I just want her to be happy."

"Are you sure you want her to be happy? Or do you want to happy?"

"I want to be happy. And I want her to be happy. But sometimes I think the only way I would be happy is if I didn't have her."

"Why do you think you would be happier without her?"

"Because I would be normal. A normal teenage girl. I should be getting ready to go off to college with my friends but instead I'm getting ready to be a stay at home mom and take online courses. There's some nights when I just lay awake and I think about what my life would be like if I didn't have her and I hate to say it but that's the life I want. And don't get me wrong the day she was born my entire life changed and I felt a new kind of love. And I liked it but now that love is gone and I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way I really really don't. And I know that I shouldn't have these thoughts but I do."

"Postpartum depression is common among new mother, especially young mothers. You love the child but you can't help but feel sad and upset and image your life with out the child."

"But how can I feel this way? The moment she was born was amazing. I can't even put into words how I felt, how being a mom just felt like this is what I was made to do. Everything came so naturally. But a week after we got home I started feeling the way I do and motherhood slipped away from me. Now nothing comes naturally to me."

"Every mother heals differently. They say you have that moment where it all goes away and you realize you can do it. All the troubles and the doubts go away and like you said, everything comes naturally. You'll get back to where you were. It just takes time. For now all you can do is spend time with your daughter. Create a bond that no matter what happens or how upset you get that bond will never break. And no matter how upset you get, just close your eyes and take yourself back to the day she was born. Remember how you felt and over time that feeling will come back."

"But why can't that feeling come back now? Why do I have to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way."

"I know you don't want to feel this way. But like I said time is the only way you will heal."

"I guess I better be going. Shes not going to take care of herself."

"Make sure you schedule your next appointment at the front desk. I'll see you in two weeks and hopefully you'll be a few steps closer to where you were."

Maya walked in the hot summer sun back to her car and she exited the therapist's office. Once in the car she placed her head and hands on the steering wheel and cried. She always cried because she always felt bad. Felt bad about having the thoughts she does, felt bad because shes not a good mom and she felt bad for Lucas because he is stuck with her.

As she pulled her head up she played with the ring on her finger.

"How can Lucas love me?" She said to herself. The thoughts jammed in her mind. There was always a reason for her to be upset and bring herself down. She always said bad things about herself. Ever since they brought Brooklyn home reality set in and changed Maya. She hasn't been herself for weeks and no one knew why.

It was Lucas who made her go to the therapist. He instantly saw the way Maya felt around Brooklyn they day she was born and he saw how those feelings changed. She just ended her 2nd session. During the first session the therapist diagnosed her with postpartum depression.

She walked in to the apartment building with the same face she had everyday. She never showed any emotion.

"How was therapy?" Lucas asked with Brooklyn in his arms.

"Fine. Like always." She said sitting on the couch. She sat with her arms out and Lucas placed Brooklyn in her arms. Like she was some kind of child that had asked to hold a baby.

She looked down a Brooklyn and played with her little hands and fingers. She reached for the bottle on the table beside her and fed Brooklyn.

Maya tried breastfeeding and it worked for the first couple weeks but once she developed this type of depression it became more difficult and made Maya's condition worse.

Maya looked into Brooklyn's big blue eyes. She felt something. She felt love but not like the day she was born. She felt like she cares for Brooklyn but she can't take care of Brooklyn and that made Maya cry.

"Maya, Whats wrong?" Lucas came running toward them.

"Why can't love her like you do? Why can't I want to be her mom? I want to love her and I want to be a mom but I just can't and I don't know why." Maya cried.

"Sweetie, stop it. She knows you love her even if you don't know it. I know you love her. I saw the way looked at her and the way you felt when she was born."

"Lucas that was then and this is now."

"Maya, I promise you will beat this problem. You are her mom whether or not you feel it. And she loves you and I love you. And I hope you learn how to love yourself. Come back to us Maya. Come back to me, to Brooklyn,  to Riley, to everyone who loves you. We miss the silly, adorable Maya that we know and love. Come back."

Maya wiped away the excess tears. She handed Brooklyn back to Lucas and went into hers and Lucas' shared bedroom. She changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. As she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep she kept replaying the words stuck in her head,

"Come back Maya, come back to us."