Breathe (because life is worth the pain)

Aftermath

Like it's impossible to take back the words once they leave the vicinity of our lips, we can't change the course of our action once it's too late. And now, I have no choice but to deal with the terrible consequences of my reckless decision. Now that I've had enough time to contemplate my situation, I feel nothing but idiotic. Though I'm left alone most of the time, I'm aware I'm being constantly monitored and nothing is more frustrating than the realization that you're being watched relentlessly. 

The doctors act very kind but disdain is evident on the nurse's faces and I can't gather why they act cold towards me, it's not like I forced them to commit suicide or anything! They ceaselessly pretend like I'll corrupt them if they interact with me. However, among them, there is an old nurse who visits me every evening and surprisingly she's the only person that I look forward to seeing.

"You foolish girl, what made you take this rash decision, a guy breaking your precious little heart? Honestly girls these days!" I vaguely recall her first words as her eyes landed on me. She seemed cruel and ruthless but it's just her shrewd way of speaking the truth. She told me how fortunate I was and how people struggle to live the life I'm wasting. Past few days, she made me realize how stupid I'd been.

  I haven't been able to get off my bed since the incident and those pills have worsened my condition. I'm tired of looking at the dull walls and the wooden clock.  

I shift sideways adjusting the thin linen blanket over my cold feet as a nurse walks in carrying a stack of pills. She performs her usual routine and feeds me the final pill before taking me by surprise.

"You know you should read them. After all, you've got nothing to lose." She utters without meeting my eyes and hurriedly gliding out the door. She acts as though I might contaminate her if she remains next to me even for a second though what she said strikes me. 

My grey eyes shift to the stack of yellow notes as I contemplate whether to read them or not. Everyday, I get a new one but I'm ignorant of what's written there. Mandita, the old nurse, says that I should suck it up and read them but I've been procrastinating since I read the first two. I guess it's because I'm terrified of what I might find there. No one has ever bothered to know me, no one has figured out my secret, no one has cared enough. It's only likely that I'll be cautious when suddenly someone takes interest in my life.

For an hour or so of wondering whether I should read them, I find myself agreeing with the nurse, after all I've got nothing to lose and since I'm running out of excuses, I guess I can procrastinate no longer.