Rookie in Love [SYTYCW 2013]

Rookie in Love [Chapter Ten]

*****This is for a mature audience.  If you are over 18 please enjoy!

Chapter Ten

            I muster the courage to call Greg after sleeping off the emotional hangover I had from spending time with my controlling brothers.  We need to talk about my behavior and his expectations.  I am going into this phone call unsure of what I want and hoping he still can give me time even though I have clearly been tearing his heart out.

            “Hey, Sweetheart.  It is so good to see your name on my phone.”  He is encouraging as always and the guilt I have already is growing with each kind word.

            “Hi, Greg.  Sorry I didn’t call you back last night.  I had a rough lunch with my brothers and then I feel asleep.  I know we need to talk.  How are you?”  I genuinely care how he is doing.  I would love nothing more than to feel a passion for him because he warms every other part of my soul.  If I could find the passion with him that I have with Jackson, I would give in to our future together. 

            “I guess I am doing as well as could be expected, Madeline.  Ben called me last night and we had the most awkward conversation about our relationship boundaries.  I guess he was giving me a fighting chance, but I told him I am not sure I would be coming home to our relationship.  From what I hear, Madeline, you have been spending some time with Jackson.”  I wonder for a minute how he could possibly know Jackson’s name, but then remember that Greg is well connected on campus. 

            “Yes, we have been spending time together, Greg.  I’m so sorry if that hurts you.   I didn’t realize until yesterday that I have been being selfish in not paying attention to what information you would have to hear.  I can’t tell you how sorry I am about that. “  It is the truth, I am sorry that he has had to hear stories about Jackson and me through other people.   I dream of the day that my every move isn’t reported to anyone. 

            “Madeline, be careful with him.  You have to have heard his reputation with women.  Don’t allow yourself to become one of them.  I don’t want to know the details—I think at this point they would kill me.  I knew you would be out having fun and being young for once in your life, but I just never thought you would explore this aspect so quickly.  I hope you are thinking of me as often as you are thinking of him and that you are considering what each of us would mean for your future.  I love you, Madeline; to me you would never be a notch on my bedpost. “

            I know what they say about Jackson; Abby and Kyle have filled me in.  He is the kind of guy that doesn’t do commitment.  Right now, that kind of guy sounds pretty safe.  No love, no marriage, no house on a hill with a white picket fence, and no need to sacrifice who I am to become a part of his life. 

            “I have been thinking a lot about this, Madeline.  I can’t sleep so I have nothing but time to lay awake at night and wonder what you are doing and who you are with.  He is going to mess it up—it is not an if, it is a when.  I just don’t know how I feel about that.  Part of me is glad it is going to happen and I feel secure knowing that he won’t fight for you because he fights for no one.  The other part of me is angry and hurt.  I know he will use you and then leave you heartbroken.  I don’t want that for you, but it brings me relief to know that even if you let him into your heart he won’t stay.  He never does.”

            “Greg, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.  I’m sorry that hearing about us as hurt you, but I am not sorry for what I have been doing.  I am finding out things about myself I never knew before.  I do know his reputation and maybe that is why he was the safest choice for these three weeks.  I am going to be here when you get back, Greg. Maybe there will be only pieces of my heart left but I will be more whole as a person.  I need to know what all of this feels like, I want to know what I might be giving up so that years from now when you and I hit rough spots in our marriage I don’t want to run off and explore this part of them then—when there might be children involved.”