Why can't I ever let go of the guys I talk to. I can't say bye to Alex. And I'm not letting him move on either.
I have never actually said bye to him and committed to that goodbye. I can't delete the conversation I had with him on Skype, and I can't delete him as a contact in skype.
I just can't do it. I want him around.
But that's so stupid because he doesn't like me. And nothing real can come out of this.
We message each other at random times. and I fall for him even more. My fantasies takeover and dillute my reality. And I guess Alex holds some excitement in my life, that I really don't get from any other guy.
I really don't know what I'm holding on to.
But if I let that go I'll lose him forever. And whether my commitment be with or without someone, I can't do either. I can't commit to the idea of him gone forever. Equally as I can't commit to the idea of being with him forever.
And so, being in this mood, a couple songs run through my mind. And inspired thus chapter.
With or without you - U2
Wild - Troye Sivan
Fools - Troye Sivan
The first song is self explanatory. Wild just reminds me of this whole situation. And Fools makes me think of Alex's situation. How he is a fool to Falk for someone like me, even after all the lies I've told him. Yet, I'm also the fool to still like him after all I've done to him, and he's done to me.
