Mind Of A Slave

No

"CASS!"

I spin round to see Julia running towards me. Tears stream down her face and her whole body is trembling.

"What is it?"

"Leave," she sobs, "You gotta leave. You have to leave. And you gotta bring me with you."

Alarmed, I usher her into the cabin. Hannah follows and shuts the door behind us.

"Don't let any'un in," I order her.

Julia and I sit down on my bed. Julia tries to speak but she is sobbing so much that her words are incomprehensible.

Hannah directs me a glance that reflects my feelings of shock and confusion.

Finally, Julia draws in a deep breath of air and begins to speak quickly.

"Cass, you gotta go soon, okay? You and Amos and Hannah, when are you planning to go? Soon, right? You can't stay. You know you can't stay."

"But.. you was sayin' the auction ain't till a couple week..."

"It's not just about the auctions," Julia explains, "Its about the war. You gotta leave with me before they get here."

"Who?" Hannah asks quietly from her position at the door.

There's a long moment of silence and I realise that Julia knows more than we do. She knows what's happening outside the plantation.

"Haven't you heard?" She asks us, and for a few seconds the despair in her voice is replaced with surprise.

I shake my head.

"Oh my God," Julia says.

"We don't knows nothin'," I say.

"Oh my God," Julia repeats. "Of course you don't know. You're slaves. How could you know?"

The words I want to speak disappear down my throat. I suddenly feel very nervous.

"What is it?" Hannah asks. She looks as scared as I feel. "What's goin' on?"

"We're losing." Julia gasps. "We've been fighting battles against the Union right here in Louisiana for weeks. Apparently most of the cities in the state are now occupied by the Union, and they're coming closer to us. We're losing all the battles, that's what Mom said. We're losing the war. It's only a matter of days before they reach the Plantation, and when they do, I don't want to be here. It's too dangerous. I don't know what will happen to my family. I need you to take me with you when you escape, please?"

I can't speak. I can't think.

"I'm scared," Julia says. So am I. Scared and confused and lonely and excited and overwhelmed.

I feel the bed move under me as Hannah sits down. She's waiting for me to say something.

Julia has stopped crying. Her eyes are wet but tears no longer trickle down her face. She looks at me earnestly.

I turn to Hannah. "We gone be free," I say. "We gonna be free real soon."

At a different time, in another situation, Hannah might have smiled. I might have jumped up with joy and maybe we'd dance and shout because we are happy and we are going to be free. Free.

But right now it just doesn't make sense. I don't feel excited and glad like I should. I'm stressed and worried and frustrated and confused and tired.

Hannah looks at me intently, like she wants me to confirm that its true. She wants me to prove to her that we really will be free. She doesn't understand, and nor do I.

"I ain't leavin'," I say to Julia.

The skin on her forehead crinkles in astonishment.

"What? Why? Cass, you gotta go. You don't understand. This is your opportunity. This might be your only chance. You have to go."

"Is that an order?" I say.

Julia frowns.

"You can order me to do things, you know. I ain't allowed to disobey 'cause I'm a slave and you's a white girl. You knows that."

"Cass..."

"So you's orderin' me to leave?"

"No...I can't do that."

"You could, though. Your uncle an' your Mama, they wants me to leave? They'd be real happy if I escape?"

"No."

"No," I say, "I'd be breakin' rules, an' I ain't gone do that 'cause I don't want no trouble, so if you wanna tell me to leave, go ahead and tell me but that ain't what Noah an' your Mama want, ain't it?"

Julia shakes her head. "But why don't you wanna leave?"

I glance at Hannah. "I got people I loves here. I ain't gone jus' leave them, not ever."

Hannah's smiles spreads to her ears, overpowering her face with happiness. Julia sniffs. I am silent until she turns her head to look at me and then I lock her eyes onto mine.

"You's got people you loves, too, don't you?"

She nods.

I breathe in sharply. "They doesn't want you to go, does they? They needs you, an' you needs them. They's your family. Don't leave 'em."

She gulps. "Ok. I'll stay. But Cass... I'm just so scared."

"Me too."

"Cass..." Hannah starts to say.

"What?"

"Well, we been here for a while now, ain't we gotta get back to work?"

I get up. "You's right. We gotta go back. We'll see you soon, Julia, alright?"

"Okay," Julia says. She leaves the cabin before us and runs along the row of cabins, probably choosing an indirect route to the house to avoid being seen.

Hannah touches my arm.

"There's Amos." She points at his distant figure, walking alone towards the orchard.

"Yeah," I say, the lack of enthusiasm prominent in my voice.

"Well? Let's go!" She pulls me forward. "Amos!" She calls out.

I clamp my hand over her mouth, a little too forcefully because she stumbles backwards.

"What's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothin'"

"Don't you wanna talk to him?"

"No."

"Is you angry?"

"No."

"Well, maybe"-

"No! I said no! Stop talkin' to me, Hannah. I ain't got nothin' to do wid Amos no more, so jus' leave me alone."

She stares at me, stunned, and when a tear falls from her eyelid I think maybe I was too harsh.

She blinks.

She starts to walk away from me.

She doesn't look back.

"Wait... Hannah."

She continues to walk, and then she begins to run. I see her run towards Amos and I see her hold his hand and I see him hug her and neither of them glance at me and neither of them seem to care where I am or what I'm doing. I want to stand my ground, but I want them to know that I'm still there for them. Anger and love fight each other deep inside me.

Why can't they both just stay? If the war is so nearly finished, why can't they wait until we are all freed, and then we can be together?