Pleasure

Chapter Five

It has officially been thirty days since I last saw Dinah. A whole month without contact I have had to withstand and neither one of us has made even the slightest effort to correct that. A couple of days after our session, she called to confirm our next appointment, which is customary since up until then I had been on a weekly schedule. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to continue seeing her and she didn't argue. We left it at that. Thirty days ago...

Of course, I was lying. I absolutely wanted to keep seeing her no matter what the circumstances, but she had called on a particularly bad day for me. I spoke on impulse, hoping she might change her mind about the whole 'strictly professional' deal and tell me how she really felt. She didn't. Instead, she etched my name off of her client list and went about her business.

I'm beginning to realize that her less than ideal response may have been my fault. You see, after our fourth session, it was me who baled first. Once my breathing was under control, I got up, dressed myself, and left. I didn't say two words to her, not even s goodbye. I remember exiting her office feeling so proud and accomplished. When I opened her office door and made my way into the waiting room, Ally had an incredulous look on her face. She probably noticed the zipper in the back of my dress was only halfway done and my hair and makeup were a complete mess. She called for me before I could leave the building and I turned around with a slick smile on my face.

"Is everything okay?" She had asked, taking in my unkempt appearance for what it was.

"Everything is fine. Thank you," I assured her with a bright smile.

She nodded in return and I left. There was nothing more to be said. Of course, I didn't know that leaving her office that day meant possibly never seeing her again. Had I known that fact, I wouldn't have left in such a haste. I didn't mean to be rude to Dinah or make her feel like she didn't matter to me. I just wanted her to be honest with me so I wouldn't have to be. Truthfully, these last thirty days have been boring without her. A part of me felt like whenever she was around, we were breaking the rules, living on the edge. It was fun and dangerous.

She made me feel alive.

This revelation came with some hiccups, though. My life has quickly become a mirror image of what it used to be before I met Dinah. I stopped pleasuring myself altogether. The act, itself, became pointless. If I couldn't think about Dinah while I did it - which I felt wrong doing after I practically shut her out of my life - then I couldn't bring myself to do it at all. I stopped going and enjoying myself with Lauren and Normani, as well.

Lauren has tried on several occasions to get me to come out with her and I gave in once or twice, but I didn't feel that same freedom as I did before. I occupied a space at the bar for the entire night and when Lauren came to find me and get me to dance with her and some guys she had met, I waved her off. I didn't want anyone else's hands on me, because Dinah's were the only ones I craved. I didn't want to dance because the simple action of gyrating my hips reminded me of my nights with Dinah. Everything was chalked up to her.

Normani only started talking to me again once she found out I had stopped seeing Dinah. I pretended to be okay with that fact and let her lecture me about how stupid I was being and I even agreed with her. The three of is continued having our movie nights whenever we could find the time and my routine was officially back to normal.

Everyday was the same tedious process it had been before Dinah. I would wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch television, go to sleep, and start over the next day. I honestly cannot fathom how I dealt with this unimaginably boring lifestyle before. I've come to realize how much I hate living in routine. I hate knowing what to expect every single day. Literally, the most exciting thing that has happened to me all month was when my boss called me one morning to tell me he was short-staffed. He called on my day off which would have consisted of me sitting on the couch and watching TV all day. Instead, I spent that day at work, taking orders and serving food... Very exciting.