Death Wish

Chapter 20: I'm Not Strong

My leg won't stop shaking under the table and it's starting to annoy Lorenzo.

"Linnea, will you calm down? It's fine. You know that we did a great job and it's better than anyone else's."

"But what if we didn't? What if we fail?"

"That doesn't make any sense, Linnea! Our project looks amazing and we'll get an A!" Lorenzo says, running a hand through his hair, exasperated. "And even if we don't we can always make it up!"

"See you have doubts! I can't afford to not get an A, Lorenzo. I have to keep my grade up," I whisper, terrified of the outcome.

"If you don't calm down, I'm not talking to you anymore," Lorenzo threatens.

I look at him and see he's serious. I slowly take in deep breaths and it works, for a while. Then the shaking comes back. He groans and turns away, sketching in his notebook.

It's the day we get our grades for our sculptures back and I am terrified. I made Lorenzo get here early so we wouldn't run the risk of being late and missing our grade. Right now there are two minutes until class starts and I am waiting for my fate. My brain starts running through these scenarios and my body starts shaking. My vision goes blurry and I try to take in air but it only comes in a thin stream. I panic and the air comes in even smaller streams. I can't breathe. My lungs aren't working. Why can't I breathe?

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and it's warm and comforting yet it gives me sparks at the same time. Lorenzo. I immediately calm down and my vision clears. Lorenzo is in front of me, and everyone is looking at us.

"What happened, Linnea?"

Mr. Claudlib looks at and tilts his head as a signal for whether or not I need to leave. I wave him off and look down. I don't need extra eyes. He continues, but glances in my direction ever so often. I can also feel Lorenzo staring at me, but I ignore him despite the fact that I can feel his curiosity and worry rolling off him.

...

After school, at my locker, Lorenzo asks the inevitable while I'm digging through my locker.

"What happened in art, Linnea?"

"I had a panic attack," I shrug.

"Yeah, I get that, but why?"

"I just needed a good grade."

"Will you stop lying to me? That's not the entire truth," Lorenzo says, running a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.

"I told you the truth," I say, my temper flaring.

"No, you didn't. You're hiding something. Why can't you look at me? If you're not lying then look at me."

I lose it.

"Fine! You want to know what happened? I can't afford to fail! Academics are all I have. Kol, he had sports and academics. He was the golden boy of the family. Always perfect, never straying from the rules, teachers' favorites. He was the one that was going to do great things in his life. Go on to play professional and get a full ride to college. Brietta was the free spirit. She was the creative, outgoing, carefree one. She would always be a favorite. Then there's me. All I have is academics. If I don't get good grades, what do I have to prove my worth?What's my purpose?"

Lorenzo pulls me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Linnea. I didn't know," he mumbles.

"Not your fault."

"You know, Linnea, you are so wonderful. Academics aren't all you have. You're caring, generous, funny, and you always put others before yourself. You're also so strong. You went through something that not many grown men go through in the span of their life. Not many people can cope with that loss, yet here you are, standing despite the pain. That is how wonderful you are."