My Submission, Our Beginning
I sit with a pleasant smile on my face, which masks the loneliness I feel inside from my friends. What would they say if I told them my desires and the things I crave?
Would they look at me differently?
I hide who I am from the ones I am supposed to trust. My skin prickled with sweat as I imagine the release I experience from the sting of a whip and the control I try giving up to the dominance of men who try and push me to my limits. I seek safety in the dominance of others, and I want their touch as a form of affection and acceptance.
I look around the restaurant I am sitting with my friends, they are unaware that the smile I wear is a mask. I laugh loudly at their silly jokes, but on the inside, I am dying and crying out in pain. I look at their smiling faces and see that my friends are happy and in love. They have met their companions, and it makes me green with envy. But I want more. I want a lover that will make me hurt for his love. I want to wear his marks with pride. I want to give him my Submission.
They ask me questions about my job as a tutor that I don't remember answering. Would my friends look at me differently if they knew how I received my payment? Me, chained, gagged and expertly whipped in their dungeons. I do not require gold or coins for payment. I am financially secure my parents made sure of that.
Would my parents understand if I told them of my desires? Would they see their son as a flawed human being? Will they be hurt that I hide the most important part of myself?
All the things I worry about do not compare to what I so desire. I look at my friends and realize now more than ever they do not know the real me. I act normal with my friends all the while the only thing I want to do is leave and go where I feel safe and wanted.
I think about wanting to take my clothes off and kneeling at the feet of another. My cock swells with every thought. My friends do not know of my desires because this is part of my life I have never shared. I fear their looks of hate and disgusts. I am not ashamed of who I am or the things I desire. But I do fear losing the ones I care about.
I try to stay focused on the conversation, but I hear nothing. The only thing I can hear was the pounding of my heart when they walked in. Two men who exude dominance, two men I know can give me what I so crave. But, I feel unworthy to kneel before them. I am not who they want. I see the men and women they dominate, and I am green with envy, my heart aches for their touch. I have seen others crumbling at their feet filled with desire. They are harsh, and demanding Masters when wielding a flogger, yet, they are tender when in their aftercare.
They demand complete Dominance. For years they have searched for a Submissive, and, I have watched them search tirelessly for the perfect one. I have purposely chosen Dominants and Dominie, who will never gain my complete submission, but they have prepared me to be the perfect submissive for Master Lucius and Master Severus.
Have they noticed?
I have purposely schemed and manipulated in the nicest ways to gain their attention, to watch others fuck me and take their absolute pleasure from me. I want to garner their anger, desire and jealousy just for an invitation to their bed, even for one night. Shame, rage and jealousy overtake me when I think of all the times I have used my body to get their attention, and yet, all of my efforts go ignored. So in the past couple of months, I have hidden because of my failure to capture their attention.
Did they even notice? I ask myself again.
I fantasize what it would be like to be theirs, completely theirs. I blush at the thoughts that filled my head. My body and mind open to them willingly and freely.
