pseudo

III

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When I came home from picking up Lily, Dad asked me to go to the park with her, Libby, and Carson the next day.

"How come they have to come to?  And when did you ask them to go to the park with me?" I ask as I take a seat on a black stool at the kitchen counter.

"You know why, Em.  I don't need to tell you all the reasons you already know," he replies while he stands in front of me.

"But, Dad.  It's been two months since it's happened," I counter.

"Yes.  But you haven't talked about how you are in the last two months since it's happened."

"I tell you every day that I'm fine," I say, annoyed.

"Honey, you may say you're fine, but, as your father, I know you better.  You're just like your mother," he sighs.

"At least, I don't run away from my problems," I snap.  But instant regret fills me the next second.

Dad's expression is first hurt.  Then anger.  But soon softens to sadness.

He doesn't have to say anything.  I know how much that hurt.  It's a low blow that hurt me, too.  We both miss her, and the four years since she's been gone, hasn't helped ease the pain.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I say softly.

He doesn't look at me.  His eyes look past me; thinking of Mom.

"Dad," I say.

His eyes trail back over to me.  He's partially listening.

"I'll go to the park with them.  All of them, okay?"

He gives a sad, small smile, and nods.  But he looks off again; drifting back to times long ago.

Leaving Dad alone with his thoughts, I hop off the stool to make my way upstairs.  I know not to mess with him once he starts thinking too much.

As I make my way towards my room, I hear Lily's soft giggles.  I decide to make a stop to see what my little sister is up to in her room.

"Hey, Lil," I say as I walk into the pastel yellow room.

"Hi, Emmy!"

Her whole face lights up when she sees me.  Her innocence lights up mine.

Lily was barely one when Mom left.

She'll never get to know the world where the mornings are filled with songs and sweet chocolate chip pancakes.  Nor would she get to know the spontaneous adventures around the city and the funny stories that fill the car.

But she also lucked out.

Because those sweet moments turned sour soon after she was born.  The morning songs turned into morning arguments where I became the buffer between my parents.  The random adventures became solo moments for Mom after bad fights with Dad.

Lily will never get to know who our mom is.  Yet, here she is.  Bright and bubbly just seeing me.  Without a care that she'll never really get to know the woman who brought her into this world.

"Having a tea party?" I ask as I make my way over to the small table.

She nods and says, "Sorry I didn't invite you.  It was animals only."

"It's okay.  I just wanted to see what you were up to," I smile.

"I promise next time you can come.  You and Daddy!" she exclaims with a sparkle in her eyes.

I laugh.  "How about we go to the park together tomorrow instead?  With Libby and Carson?"

Lily jumps up in excitement.

"Yes!  Yes!  Yes!"

I let out another laugh as energetic five year old jumps circles around me.

"Alright, Lily.  Calm down," I laugh.  "I'll leave you to your party.  Park tomorrow, though."

She continues to dance in her white dress around the round tea table.  I smile as I close the door behind me.

But as soon as I shut the door, sadness washes over me, and I let out a big sigh.  Missing Mom is never fun.

I don't want to think about her.  Because the more I think about her, the more I want her back into our lives, and I know that that's the wrong idea. 

I close the door to my room, and pull out my phone.  I need someone to a distract me, but I don't know who.  I pause to think about all the possibilities in my life.

Libby?  No.  Carson?  No.

The short list of friends don't help.

But there is someone else I know.

I sigh. Calling him feels like defeat, but I know I can't keep thinking about my mom.

I take the tickets from earlier out of my back pocket.  The ten blue digits stare back at me; his words echoing back to me.  Now I know what the right choice is.

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