Misguided (lgbt-stories)

Technically (Negovanman)

"Here's my ultimatum
It's time we had this conversation
The numbers don't add up in this equation
You got it good, no obligation, but what's in it for me
I got my heart out on my sleeve
For so long I I just let it bleed let you walk all over
Here's my ultimatum
We either give this a shot or not

You keep me up in the night I stay up wondering
Am I yours are you mine are we more than a thing?
Ya want my love, want it all, but it's torturing me
Emotionally

It's not even fair
That you don't have to feel this
That you don't have to care
I'm stuck in this confusion
Cause I'm
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable

Sick and tired of pretending
It's obvious were more than friends
I'm not cool with this if you're not intending
To be together don't go wastin' my heart

Don't want to lose me or see me with some other girl
But what am I supposed to do if I can't call you mine
Give me no choice but move on cause there's no you and I
Technically ya

It's not even fair
That you don't have to feel this
That you don't have to care
I'm stuck in this confusion
Cause I'm
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable

Technically I-I-I
Technically, it's not even
Technically, I-I-I
Technically
Technically
Technically -I-I-I
You don't have to feel this
Feel this

It's not even fair
That you don't have to feel this
That you don't have to care
I'm stuck in this confusion
Cause I'm
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable
Technically single
Emotionally unavailable"

I poured my heart out as I sang the words I had written. I felt myself grow numb as I tried to create the sound I wanted for the song I wanted to sound stronger than I was I just wanted her to know I was done even if I really never would be. I mean how long can I live like this? I love her beyond words I would move to another country where I don't speak the language just for her. I would leave my family and dreams behind just to be close to her. I would love her in every way I could and expect nothing in return. It doesn't seem to matter though and that's what breaks my heart. How can I move on and just stay friends with her when all I think about as I kiss someone else is how they do not compare to her. How can I move on when I am emotionally attached to her but technically single? I can't the problem is just that I can't I try I really do I've been on date after date nothing feels right. The hardest part about this is that she is my best friend she knows everything about me.

I looked up at my studio manager as she talked "Nice work Natasha I think we should go again if you are up for it." I nodded "yeah please from the top." The music started to play and I internally sighed girl the hell up Natasha! I wanted this done so I sang and sang. My heart ached I wanted to tell her how I felt. I wanted to scream it to the world, that I was madly infatuated with her from that first day, and how I have come to fall for her more and more each day.

I felt a tear glide down my cheek and quickly brushed it away. I didn't have time to feel and get lost in my emotions. I quickly finished in the studio and found myself lost in thought as I read the script for season 3. It would be easy to harness the longing for her because that is all I ever do.

I was pulled from my thoughts as my phone rang. I distractedly answered without looking but knew instantly who it was. My heart fluttered at the sound of her voice "Natasha have you read the script!?!" I was silent I was too busy thinking about how lovely her voice is and how I missed it. A puzzled Elise spoke again "Hello! Natasha?" I shook my head "Hello yes I'm here and I am reading it right now..." I trailed off loosing my thoughts. She giggled "perfect buzz me up I'm at your place!" I shook my head again WHAT! FUCK! I played off my panic with a laugh "Elise what would you have done if I wasn't home or something?" She quickly fired back "Natasha I have a key don't make me have to search my backpack for it!" I laughed as I walked to my door and buzzed her up "you are lucky you are cute!" She laughed "please". A few moments later and muffled giggles filling my ears as she stood outside my door "aren't you going to open the door Negovanlis where are your manners?" I sighed as I opened the door hanging up my phone in the process "you are a pain." She laughed as she strolled into my apartment with her bike and helmet in hand. Her laugh made a smile emerge on my face. She propped her bike against its usual spot and set her helmet down then plopped down on the couch. Basically like a habit I went to the fridge and grabbed two waters. I would tell the girl to make herself at home if she hadn't already.  This is the exact thing that leads to racing thoughts of coming home to her. I pushed my thoughts away I have missed her this weeks been crazy and I want to enjoy this time not dwell.