「 hologram 」

chapter 1. hallucinations

drip.. drip.. drip..

the rain increased from a steady drizzle to a great storm. lightening lit up the sky as it's friend, thunder, roared letting everyone around that it is here and wants it's presence to be known. me? well i was just sitting on my bench by my window, trapped in daze as i zoned out minutes or hours ago, my vision being fixated on a tree dancing fiercely in the wind. then i heard a knock on my door. i jumped and slowly turned my neck with my gaze reaching my plain white wooden door. i blinked as i haven't done so in so long and slowly got up. today i was wearing an oversized grey sweater with black leggings clinging to my skinny legs. i used to be so big. one hundred and eighty pounds i believe. i hated myself. i hated myself so fucking much so i slowly stopped eating. my excuses while being such a big person? "my braces hurt" "i feel sick" "i ate earlier" "i'm not that hungry right now but i'll eat later". lies. all them were just damn lies. but everyone believed me. that was in eighth grade. after about two months i stopped eating completely. so the weight slowing then quickly fell off. i weighed myself every morning before a took a shower. to get the precise measurement, i did it while naked and with my long dark brown hair down. after two days, i'd lost two pounds. then a week, i'd be ten pounds lighter. a month goes by, fifteen down the drain. that went on for about five months until i finally reached my ultimate goal weight. ninety eight pounds. but i couldn't eat, i would just gain all of the weight back again. so all i would consume was tea. oh how i loved tea. but nothing in it. just either plain black tea, earl grey tea, or even green tea. morning, noon, evening. i drank tea. i still brushed my teeth but it's not like i ever smiled anyway. i was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts as a soft noise came through the door.

"kai? dinner is ready if you'd like to come eat. please do. or atleast come downstairs, we all miss you, love."

maria. the woman who gave birth to me. i could never call her my mother again. not after what happened. what mother would choose drugs and alcohol over their own child? what mother would let their father take her daughter's innocence when she was only thirteen? what mother would let old men do what ever they want to her for money for her stupid drugs? she's was sober now and has been for three years. i was sixteen now but i'd never be over the trauma. i went back and sat down on my bench and hugged my knees to my chest. suddenly, i sensed something in front of me. this presence had chills sent straight to my bones. i looked up to see him.

oh god. please no, no.... please make him go away! i can't let this happen. i don't want to feel him again..

my thoughts were racing and internally i was screaming. i closed my eyes and pressed up against the window, just wishing for it to break open and let me fall to my death. but of course that didn't happen. when i opened my eyes, i was on top of the bed and he was sitting onto of me with his hands pinning down my forearms beside my head. i felt him grind on my hips. i felt his lips forced onto mine. i felt his tounge being shoved down his throat. by now, i was screaming and squirming, praying that i'd escape his grip, for then, i felt his dirty, big hand slap me. that slap echoed through out the room and my head. that slap also shut me the hell up. and then just like he did when i was thirteen. it happened the exact same way as it did three years ago. it felt like it did three years ago. he first pulled down my pants and put one of his hands in my underwear and one up my bra. i didn't want to feel like this anymore. so what did i do you may ask? i screamed. i screamed so loud, it echoed through the house. i screamed so loud, they neighbours could hear. i screamed until my throat was raw. while screaming, i closed my eyes and felt his presence gone. that's when maria and my sisters bursted into my room. they found me fully clothed in my grey sweater and black leggings. they found my long dark brown hair messy. they found me rolling around and screaming. they rushed to me and tried to calm me down. i opened my eyes at the feeling of her touch and i stopped screaming. i stopped kicking. i stopped crying. i laid there in her arms for a couple of seconds expressionless. i went pale. in that moment, i realised that it was all a hallucination. ever since i was first, out of the many times, raped, i started to have nightmares and hallucinations and they haven't stopped. the pills gave me killer headaches so i stopped taking them. maria would always find me screaming and try and comfort me. i'd tell her that the man was "here" but she'd just tell me to stop acting like a baby and that i was crazy. then she would slap me. my sisters would always be huddling in fear, in the corner of the room farthest away from me. so i got up from the bed without saying a word and sat in my place on my bench and remained emotionless. maria sighed and left the room and so did my sisters. and that's when my thoughts got to me. the second they closed the door.

you didn't feel.

you can't feel.

you are and always will be numb.

you are such an attention seeking whore; you don't have any real problems.

and so as always i believed them.

my name is kaianna winter sykes. my mother is maria sykes and my father is hunter sykes. i have two sisters, chelsea who is thirteen and helena who is seven. i was born 17 december. i was diagnosed with anorexia, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. i am sixteen and i was raped about twenty times within four years. my dad is one of them. i am suicidal. and i have demand for proof that i have purpose on this earth.