when joshua left to go home, i asked if he could come over again tomorrow and he said that he would. we agreed that at one in the afternoon, he would come over to my house and hang out all day. he even gave me his number, which i put him in as " jishwa 👽 " . i wonder what he put me as in his phone.
probably the weirdo from across the street.
when my mind spoke, i realised something: when joshua was with me, i felt somewhat normal. by that i mean, i did not feel crazy or deranged. i was me. and now that he's gone, my mind wanted to destroy me. i changed into an oversized nasa tee and spandex and left my room to the bathroom to get my prescribed olanzipine , along with some sleeping pills so i did not have to deal with the voices after having a nice time with joshua. once i swallowed my round of medication, i returned to my room and grabbed my journal. the last therapist said to me that i should write in a journal to notice my recovery, even if it's small. she was actually really nice and helped but when i even showed slight recovery, my mom just started to believe that i was doing it for attention and did not want to waste her money so she pulled me out. makes no sense but that's my mom. slowly but surely, i drifted to sleep.
「 ☁︎ 」
when i woke up and checked my phone, it was 12:30 so i got up and did my routine. as usual i braided my my hair into two french braids and wore a maroon sweater with ash grey leggings. at one o' clock on the dot, i heard my door bell ring. rushing down the stairs, i raced to open the door to let my new contact in the house. joshua stood there wearing another black snapback, black hoodie, white skinny jeans and black on black high top converse. he really knew how to dress himself.
"hello, kaianna," he said, smiling.
"hello, joshua. come in, come in."
when we got to my room, he leaped on the bed and started to fake snore. i walked over to him and poked him til he sat up.
"okay okay, i'm sorry. your bed is just so comfortable."
i felt my mouth form a grin as i chuckled softly.
"its okay," i replied. "this is my safe haven, so the comfy bed is a must."
he demonstrated a soft grin and asked me what i wanted to do. we decided to put on some music. i was in a PVRIS mood, so i decided to carefully place the vinyl record of white noise – my favorite album by them – on the player. as soon as the need touched the record, the first few notes of smoke began to play. the music was calming yet powerful. joshua and i laid there for a bit being captivated by lynn's ethereal voice. i didn't notice that i began fading from reality until i saw joshua's hand waving across my field of vision.
"wait what," i exclaimed.
"it seems like i lost you there for a second. i was asking you what album and artist this was from. i really like their music," he replied, slightly laughing.
"PVRIS and the album is white noise," i said while sitting up quickly. i felt my cheeks begin to warm up as i began to overthink. how long was he trying to get my attention? did i seem annoyed in my response, or worse, did i seem like i wasn't having a good time? the thoughts were screaming inside my face until i heard a soft voice break the chatter.
"are you okay?"
i looked up to see joshua's face producing a soft frown and look of genuine concern.
"yeah, yeah, i'm okay. just got caught up in my head for a second." i definitely did not want the conversation to shift to a therapy session of what goes on in my head, so i quickly changed the subject.
"anyways, what sort of music do you like?" i applauded myself for thinking quick on my feet.
"oh, i like all kinds of music, but especially the alternative ones. i actually play the drums; i'm not sure if i've told you that already."
"you didn't, but that's really cool," i said with a smile, eager to know more.
he began to give me the run down on how he got into music, when and how he got his first drum kit, and how he has played for a couple local bands in his town when they were in need of a drummer. he seemed so passionate about this, and i continued to listen intently before i presented a question.
"have you ever done or thought about creating your own music?"
he sat there for a second – the gears turning within his brain – before replying,
"actually, i have thought about it. i have a friend named tyler who has his own band but is having some trouble with his current bandmates. i think they don't want to continue playing or something like that. i've been meaning to ask him if we could try playing together sometime to see if we would be a good fit, but i haven't gotten around to it yet," he explained.
"i think you should do it. i mean i've never heard you play, but i imagine that you're pretty good considering how passionate you are about it."
"i'll play for you sometime," he said, offering a big smile.
i blushed and looked down – hair covering the big smile on my face. i don't know why, but the thought of hanging out with joshua more just gave me butterflies. everything he does, especially that smile, just gives me butterflies.
eventually, we said our goodbyes, as i realized that it was 4:30 in the afternoon, and my mother would be getting off of work and being home soon. we both smiled as i closed the door, and i watched him walk down the street with his hands in his pockets, as he looked back towards my house one more time before disappearing out of my view.
i went back to my room and laid my head on my pillow, thinking about all of the things we talked about today and how much more i got to know of this mysterious boy. imagine if he did end up playing with tyler and becoming really popular. would he even remember me? my eyelids grew heavier and i realized that i was going to fall asleep, and by the time i did, my phone screen lit up:
"jishwa 👽: i had a really good time today kaianna. i really mean it when i said that i'd like to play for you sometime (:"
YOU ARE READING
「 hologram 」
Fanfiction!! TRIGGER WARNING !! this book is really descriptive in the events of character's past. unfortunately, this is discontinued but i actually hope to make this a real book some day (with a lot less detail).
