「 hologram 」

chapter 2. voices

'one more..

one more will not kill you, now will it?

do it once more and we will leave you alone;

you know what will happen if you do not comply.'

self harm. for me it ranged from cutting, burning and beating myself up. not like i was not beat up daily before. whenever they come, they come for blood. they want me to slice open my tender, pale skin in nice, clean and straight lines. i know some people do it slow and some do it fast to put the most pressure with the least amount of pain. but, at the same time, they want to feel that stinging sensation. that addicting feeling of numbness and watching the bright red blood to rise up in small beads. that is how i started out. but when they came, i was told to do it slowly. 'feel the pain, they said. you deserve it.'

but i stopped. the cutting atleast and i only burn myself sometimes. when it gets really dark in my mind. it is suprising how cold it get in such a small space. my head always shooting thoughts about the deaths of people around me. the constant voices saying,

'what if you sat behind the bus driver and just slit her throat? you could take over the bus and crash everyone. it would make the news but if you do it right, no one would live to say who did it or what happened.'

'what if you just cracked your best friend's neck right now? the adreniline of killing someone would be rushing through your veins.'

'or what if you shot up your school? stole your dad's pistol and took it to school? enter your classroom and sit down like normal. expect after the late bell rings, you stand up, gun in hand, and shot everyone around you. start with the teacher, then your ex friend for dissing you, then your crush for never noticing yo-'

SHUT UP!!

fucking just shut up. i do not want to hear it. the voices. oh god. it feels like my head will explode from all the constant thinking. but i never knew what caused it. depression? anxiety? ocd? homocidalness, i don't know.

then there was a knock at my door.

"kaianna, may i come in please? lunch is ready and i made some veggie pasta. please, darling please."

i always kept my door locked.

'maybe it would keep out the demons,' i thought. i fucking thought wrong. i sat there next to my window on my bench; my kness were pulled up to my chest and my long black hair was a mess.

"kaianna, i cannot recall if i told you, but a new family moved in next door and they have an eighteen year old son. i invited him over and you are going to talk to him. you have five minutes to get ready, while i go get him from downstairs."

damn it. i knew there was no way out of this, for my mother is a stubborn woman. i slowly rose from my spot and walked to my dresser. i grabbed an oversized grey sweater, some black leggings and underwear, and i went to the bathroom. i had not looked in the mirror for weeks now, and when i did, god did i look horrible. my teeth were a paleish yellow and my hair was like a rats nest. the dark circles under my eyes were prominant and my skins wrapped tightly around my bones. it made me wonder if i had any muscle left. i can't let more people know about my sick and twisted head so i jumped in the shower and washed my hair with my lavendar shampoo and conditioner. then my body with my lavendar soap. the scent instantly calmed me. when i got out, i put my hair in two french braids and brushed my teeth for a long time. they ended up borderline white and i knew that was the best i was going to get. after pulling my clothes on and moisterising my lips, i applied concealer to hide my undereye circles and put on my best fake smile that i had perfected over the years. when i got back to my room, the boy was sitting on my bed, staring out of the window like how i do. i just stood in the doorway of my room, realising that is all my family saw: a lost soul staring out into the vast space of the neighbourhood. longing for something or someone.

"hello," i said, willing my voice to speak.

the boy shot around, suddenly standing up. a faint blush was lingering on his cheeks. the boy was a little bit taller than me, for i was five foot four inches. his had a silver nose ring, which i heavily admired, and curly pastel blue hair, peeping from under his black snapback. he had a well built figure and wore a white tee, black skinny jeans and black vans. i did not mind that he was wearing shoes, because i had hardwood flooring in my room.

"uh h-hi.. i'm sorry, am i intruding? i told your mother if you didn't feel like seeing anyone i could come back another day but she insisted and i felt bad and i'm really really so-"

"it's okay," i laughed. "my mom wants me to make new friends and she thought since you guys just moved in next door, it would be perfect. we can sit on my bed."

"i'm joshua. but you can call me josh if you want."

"i like that name, joshua. i have always admired it," i said with a slight smile, looking down to my lap. "my name is kaianna. some people call me that, kai or anna. any of those is fine with me."

"that's an intresting name. i don't believe i've heard it before."

"its origin is unknown but the people named it are known to be creative and trustworthy. although, i was not born here in canada but in new zeleand; i moved here when i was about six. my accent has gone a bit but it comes out when i say some words." i explained. i did not expect to be sharing anything about my life.

"i wasn't born here either. i grew up in columbus, ohio but moved her about four years ago when my dad got a better job oppurtunity. although, i am part korean." joshua said, smiling.

"i would love to learn how to speak korean, japanese and french. i watch.. i mean 'watched' a lot of anime, so i have picked up i few words here and there." god i fucked by correcting myself. i let my face falter slightly but as usual, quickly fixed it. hopefully he did not notice.

"if you don't mind me asking why did you stop?" joshua asked. all he showed was pure concern.

"it is a long story that deals with my feelings and thoughts about pokémon cards."