gasoline ;; phan

three

Phil awoke to the hum of jet engines, his face pressed against Dan's shoulder - he breathed a sigh of relief as he realised that he didn't drool on him. Groggily, he sat up, rubbing his eyes as he did so. Dan had now fallen asleep and Phil couldn't help but admire his sleeping form: how his lips parted slightly; how his hair curled at the ends after not having straightened it in a while... Phil loved being able to study Dan and his perfect features. It was sort of soothing, as strange as it sounds. Just knowing that Dan was there with him and was so close to him made Phil feel safe. He loved being able to see Dan; loved being able to touch him; loved him. Honestly, Phil didn't know what he would have done without Dan. He'd saved him so many times before and, even if he didn't realise it, he was saving him now too.

Phil's mind was flooded with memories of that night. He didn't understand why he had gone there, but something in his mind had told him it was a clever idea. With tears welling up in his eyes, he had made his way through the lonely streets to the bridge at the edge of town. PJ didn't know he was gone, and Phil would have liked to keep it like that - he couldn't face his boyfriend at that moment; not in the state he was in.

With white knuckles and puffy eyes, Phil clung to the railings of the bridge for dear life. Was he really going to do this? Something in his mind encouraged him, saying "it's better for everyone". Blindly, he believed this. What use was he to the world? No one needed him; he was a burden to everyone he knew. PJ would find someone else, and Dan didn't care anyway. He had no one, so what was the point in staying?

  Inhaling the cold air, Phil squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers threatening to let go of the railing. They danced over the cool metal, toying with the idea of death. It'd be quick; he wouldn't feel anything after the fall. Would it be the impact he died from? Would it be drowning? Hypothermia? He didn't care. It was just one quick drop and then he was gone - one quick drop and Philip Michael Lester would be dead. If he was honest, the idea seemed quite appealing - no more hardship, no more stress, no more worries. He would finally be at peace. So, why was it that his body was refusing to let go?

  He wanted to scream. Even trying to kill himself he was useless - he couldn't do anything right. Tears had begun to pour down his cheeks, hot and angry as he cursed himself.

  "This is it, Phil," he breathed heavily. "You can do it." And like that, Phil felt his fingers begin to loosen their grip.

  But something stopped him.

  His head turned to see a figure running in the darkness, shouting something he couldn't quite make out. Phil squinted his eyes to try and get a better look at the person, but to no avail. And then he heard the voice.

  "Phil! Phil, please!" It was Dan.

  The boy ran with all his might to where Phil was standing, the elder of the two now lost in a dazed state. Suddenly, he felt arms around him and was pulled over the railing.

  "Ph- Phil," Dan panted. "Please- please tell me you're okay. Oh, Phil, please tell me you weren't trying to-"

  Phil stood motionless as Dan clung to him; gripping him so tight as if to say "I'll never let you go". He had opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a weak cry. Phil's chest and throat burned and he let his head fall on Dan's shoulder, tears now flowing again.

  "I- I'm sorry," Phil sobbed into Dan's shoulder, "I just- I don't know what to do." The pair stood holding one another for what seemed like an age. Silence engulfed the two, broken only by the occasional hoot of an owl or wail of a cat. To Phil, it seemed like the world had stopped; like the only thing that mattered was Dan – and in that moment, that's all that did matter.

  Once he had calmed down, Dan wiped away Phil's tears, earning a weak smile from him. He took Phil's hand in his own and began walking back towards town.

  "You can stay at mine tonight," Dan smiled, but quickly became flustered, his cheeks tinged with red. "I- I mean, just so you can- Not so you-"

  Phil chuckled, "I understand, don't worry." He swore he heard Dan breathe a sigh of relief.

  The two walked in silence from that point on, hands clasped tightly together. Phil couldn't help but feel almost happy as he walked with Dan. Something about them holding hands just felt right, and Phil hated to admit it. What would PJ have said? He shook his head. "Y'know what?" He thought. "I don't care about PJ – not at this moment. I have Dan." As if Dan could read his thoughts, Phil felt him squeeze his hand slightly, a small smile finding its way onto the brown-haired boy's face. Phil's gaze remained on Dan's lips as they walked – well, until Dan almost caught him looking. Never before had Phil turned so quickly; silently cursing himself for acting like such a pathetic school-girl with a crush. He was thankful that it was dark – his cheeks burned in embarrassment and he was one-hundred per cent sure that his face was as red as a tomato. In fear he might be caught looking again, Phil decided it would be better to not look at Dan at all.

~*~

  The rest of the journey home was surprisingly pleasant, despite how hectic the night had been. Dan had immediately put the kettle on and showed Phil to his room – "I'll sleep on the sofa," he said. "You can have my bed." – and looked out a change of clothes for him. Phil was in awe; no one had been this kind to him in so long.

  After showering and getting changed, Phil joined Dan in the living room upon the sofa. Some anime he hadn't seen before about boys in a swimming club was playing on the TV, but Dan turned it off as he sat down.

  "How are you feeling?" He asked tentatively. Phil studied his face, his eyes seemed filled with worry. Did he really care about him?

  "I- I'm okay, I think... I don't know what came over me."

  "You don't have to say if you don't want to," Dan smiled. "Just know I'm here for you no matter what, okay? I always will be. Seriously, Phil, I don't want to lose you." Phil smiled at this. It felt nice being there with Dan; knowing that he really did want him here – both in his house, and in life.

  Again, they were met with quietness. Unlike the awkward silences between Phil and PJ, this was different; Phil felt comfortable with this. He smiled into the cup of tea Dan had made him.

  "Dan?" He finally turned to the boy beside him.

  "Yeah? What's up?"

  "Thank you."

~
A/N: wow this took forever sorry but hey its done. And 1,221 words nice. I hope it's okay.