Thoughts Of Mine

(melancholy)

Speaking.

Silence.

Emotions.

Numbness.

We contradict ourselves constantly.
Every minute, every hour, every day-
We're always saying something or doing something that goes against something we've said or done before.

I guess that's a part of learning.

It's frustrating to think about, but I've contradicted myself so many times I begin to wonder if I'm even doing the right thing anymore. I hate things about myself, but I know I'm really not all that bad. I tell people not to let others take advantage of them, still I turn around and let people walk on me like I'm a welcome mat. I don't mind.

I willingly put myself (or let others put me) in the middle of bad situations because I know I have at least small chance to work it out and have everything peaceful again. I care more about others than I do about myself, but I tell everyone around me that they are beautiful and that they should try their hardest to see even a fraction of what I see in them.

I take care of people, but don't take care of my needs.
People come to me and tell me almost everything, because I let them talk it out. I know more secrets than a stereotypical popular girl who blackmails people in a dumb high school movie. Except I don't blackmail people. I know almost everything about everyone, and no one really knows who I am.

(Well, there are exceptions, but they are very few and far between.)

I can feel numb but still be in unbearable agony at the same time.
I can be indifferent but still cry over things that should mean nothing to me.
I can be happy but still feel completely empty, like I've been hollowed out and plastered over with false emotions and pretense.

I shouldn't feel this way.
I know other people have it worse.
I know it's probably even selfish of me, because how could I have so much but feel this way?
Am I not appreciating my life enough?

Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, and I wonder if there's a point in continuing.
It feels like there's no one out here.
I feel so alone sometimes.