Tonight has gone completely against everything that I wanted. I've managed to hurt everyone around me. I make up an excuse to leave and head home, telling Danny that I just need some time to rest. But in fact, all I want to do is mope.
What was I thinking? I have no idea. Everything that I thought I knew has just flown out of the window. All I wanted was to make up my mind and prove to everyone that...
No. I wanted to prove to myself that I was over Glen. It's been eight years, and I still want to tell myself that I made the right decision in breaking up with him. Well, actually, that's a lie. I know I made the right decision. I know that the person I was then was not the right girl for him. But what about this person? Is the person I am now the right girl for him?
I don't know. I would go ahead and say no. I'm a bitch. There's no other word for it. I've let the events of my past harden me to the point where I am selfish, inconsiderate, cold. He doesn't deserve someone like that. And neither does Danny.
Danny. Oh God, yet another complication. Do I even want to be with him? Or is he just another attempt to get over Glen. I honestly don't know any more. I do care about him. I really do. But is it enough? Is caring about someone enough to stay with them when your heart is really calling out for someone else?
I've done this once before. And it ended in violence. I know Danny would never hurt me in that way. But do I really want to risk it?
There's a knock on my door, and I don't really know whether I want to answer it. It's probably Danny, come to make sure that I'm alright. Just like the perfect person that he is. And as much as I want to go back to how it was with us, I don't think I can. Not after tonight's revelation.
But I take a deep breath and answer the door. It's Glen, and he looks like he's been crying. It only makes me want to cry myself.
“What do you want?” I whine.
“Why did you kiss me back?” he asks, voice shaking. Oh God, not now. Please not now. “You kissed me back. Why did you kiss me back?”
“Glen, just drop it.” I turn around, fully intent on closing the door in his face, but instead he follows me inside, closing the door behind me.
“No. You tell me why you kissed me back. I have a right to know.”
“No, Glen, you don't. Now go home.”
“I'm not going home until you tell me why.”
“Leave me alone, Glen.” The tears spill down my face. Why can't he just go away? I want him to go away. I want to be alone. I want...
He grabs my arm and turns me to face him. And that's when I can't stop my instincts. I'm at his lips desperately, giving in to the unresolved feelings for him. And he's holding me so tightly that I feel like he will never let me go again.
This is different to earlier. This kiss is not angry. This is heated, and sad, and something that has been long coming. I need this. I need him. When will I get that into my head?
But Danny is always in my head, making me feel so very guilty. I push away again, burying my head into his chest as I cry.
“I can't,” I sob. “Glen, I can't do this.”
“You need to make your choice, Emie,” he says. “It's me, or it's him. You can't have us both.”
I know I can't. I know that more than anything. And as I look up at him, I realise that I don't want to make that decision tonight. Tonight, I just want him.
“I don't know what I want,” I sob. “I just know that I want you right now. Please. Please let me just...”
He cuts me off with a kiss, pulling me into his arms the way he always used to. We stumble into the bedroom, desperation driving us to fall into one another once more. I remember the ways to drive him insane with my fingers, my mouth, my body. Each little sound he produces is like music to my ears, and he sends me into a haze of ecstasy.
