Forever

22. Imperfect Perfection

Her stomach had begun to swell, a large bump which protruded from her body, as if she were a harboring a balloon beneath her skin. She cringed at her reflection, painfully aware of how uncomfortable she felt in her skin. She was huge, and it seemed with each passing day, her growing stomach was the only thing she could see.

It wasn't that she regretted it, she loved having this baby, she could already feel the protectiveness streak through her as she faced each problem that came with being pregnant. Every time she was sick, or her stomach cramped her mind would go on red alert that the baby was hurt, Carlisle would have to take her through several tests just to INSURE that her insecurities and fears were ridiculous.

It wasn't so much the pregnancy itself that was bringing her down, and more the physical changes she was undergoing. She missed her old body, as odd as it sounded, she felt fat and wrong in so many places that it was impossible to consider herself attractive any more, and the knowledge that she still had eight more months too go sent a feeling of dread through her. Which led to the present problem.

It had been three months since the departure of the dreaded duo, and she had thought life would get easier, and in some ways it had. Emmett was more at ease, more relaxed, he was perfect in every way. She tried telling herself she was being unreasonable, that her feelings were ridiculous, but sometimes irrationality clouded her mind, and nothing; not even your own voice could quell the feelings you try to beat down.

Her self esteem had dropped to non-existence. Emmett hadn't done anything to evoke it, he had been perfectly normal as usual, he had supported her through the sickness and the mood-swings, he had been perfect to her. But it would do nothing to silence the voice in her head which would constantly remind her of how much more unattractive she was becoming, how she wouldn't be enough to please him soon enough, and she would immediately grow insecure over things such as her weight, the spots on her skin, the chance that her pregnancy would leave stretch marks. She wasn't able to dress as she wanted to any more, and every time she left the house she attracted whispers from the Forks people, which only proceeded to break her down further. It was petty, and inside she knew she had no grounds for it, it was unfair to doubt him after everything he had done for her, but it had been two weeks since they had made love, and she was beginning to worry that he had lost interest, they had never gone this lone without. She would never have imagined how much she enjoyed being intimate with him, and her pregnancy was only heightening her needs, but his lack of offering was driving her mental, Maybe he had truly realized how much she lacked compared to Rosalie. maybe he wasn't attracted or eager any more.

Even Alice with her all-seeing eye and her comforting words could do nothing to quell the steadily growing fear.

...

"Bella, seriously you need to stop this." Alice whined, irritated despite the fact that she understood her sisters worries. But even after telling her and attempting to reassure her, Bella refused to listen. She flung herself back on the bed, wincing when the support groaned its protests at the sudden weight added.

Bella ignored her, sitting in the dresser stool, her previous hopes to go out into Port Angeles with Alice disappearing. her head bowed as she stared at the garment in her hands, she now wore nothing but one of Emmett's T-shirts and a pair of plain-white panties "They don't fit me." She breathed disappointed, staring down at the DENIM JEANS, biting her lip to hold back the urge to cry. They had fit her a few weeks back, but now the fly refused to close, and the visible sign of her body's growing size was another reminder of her frustration at her relationship with Emmett. Alice groaned, rubbing her face in frustration, the sound caused an angry frown to mask across Bella's features. The house was empty of everyone but the two of them, Emmett and Jasper having left the previous day to go hunting.