High Calorie Prison

Chapter 1/1

It's moments like these where Frank has to really reevaluate his life choices. This is quite possibly the stupidest thing he has ever done in his entire life ever. He literally cannot think of any stupider moment than this one. He once failed a test because he didn't know the difference between plumage and plummet, which made for some really fucked up metaphors about peacocks, but that doesn't compare to this. This is most definitely the dumbest thing he has ever done.

Frank looks down at his hand, flexing the fingers to himself, waiting for someone to walk by and either give him a phone to call someone or help him out. The fingers of his left hand are busier than most peoples, covered in ink, but he really doesn't need to reacquaint himself with the colors for this extended length of time. It's really ridiculous. He can't do anything though. He only has the one hand to mess around with, because he's a fucking idiot who couldn't function without his Doritos. He's really regretting this now. He may never eat Doritos again. Okay, so maybe that's a little rash, but he will definitely lay off the chips for a time.

Frank huffs, looks up at the ceiling and pleads for someone to come by and help him out of this predicament, but of course, the stupidest thing he ever does just happens to befall him on a day and place where there's literally no one around to help him.

If he stays here any longer, his prospects are not looking good. He's not going to die here, that's not an issue, but he sure as hell might die of embarrassment. He assumes someone will find him before the sun completely sets. That's what he hopes. If not then at least he only has a little over 72 hours until the office opens back up. Cleaning crews come in on Saturdays, but sometimes he doesn't know if they come in on three day weekends. They might not.

Yep, Frank is stupid.

No, he's not just stupid. There's dumb, there's stupid, there's complete idiocy, and then way down at the bottom of the list, the most stupid thing in the world, that's where Frank is. That's where Frank's name would be on a list of the strongest confessions of idiocy.

Today just isn't treating him very well. First, he completely forgot to set his alarm clock and was late for work. Second, the coffee pot in the break room decided that Frank didn't deserve any coffee so when he tried to get some, it was all gone and some dick decided not to start a new pot, so he had to do it, but when he got back ten minutes later, all the coffee was gone again. When he tried to make a third pot though, they were all out of coffee!

Thirdly, he made an idiot out of himself in front of his boss when he forgot to remove some files from his flash drive. He just had to grab the one flash drive that just had to include his ultimate list of celebrities that he would totally bang. Why does he even have that file on his work computer? Mass lists of bangable celebrities need to stay on your private computer. It doesn't matter how much you love Lee Pace's eyebrows, if your boss sees that list, you will never be able to look her in the eye ever again.

Fourthly, he let his phone out of his sight for literally one minute and that just so happened to be the minute where it decided to commit suicide and jumped off of his desk right onto the cold linoleum underneath. The damn thing was living on a prayer in the first place, but why did it have to take that leap? It wouldn't have been that big of a problem if all had gone according to plan and Frank had gotten the opportunity to stop at a Walmart on his way home, but no, his luck is not good today.

Of course today had to be the day that the hot guy from the lunchroom ordered a banana. Why did the hot guy from the lunchroom have to order a banana today of all days? Frank's favorite days are when the hot guy from the lunchroom orders a banana, but no, not today. Today he just had to hypnotize Frank with his unfairly phallic shaped fruit, and Frank just had to drool so much that he forgot about his own lunch.