To know your place

Dreams and doubts

How I wish Merlin was mine... But maybe better not, the stories wouldn't be all that good.
Enjoy reading!
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When Merlin opened his eyes again he was still laying on the floor of the stables. He groaned softly when he became aware of the pain from his chest, head and throat. How long had he been out? An hour? Two hours? He carefully pushed himself up and had to place a hand against the wall in order to steady himself. The room was still spinning and he was sure he had at least a mild concussion. When he regained his balance he tightened his neckerchief around his neck. He was sure that the hands of sir Thomas had left bruises and he didn't want anyone to see them. When he was sure his throat was properly covered he carefully walked out of the stables. He looked around to make sure no one was there to watch him. As he looked up at the sky he could see that the sun began to go down.
'Arthur's dinner!' he thought and without a moment's waste he hurried off to the kitchens. He ignored the pain in his chest that was growing worse with every step and made it just in time to the King's room. Taking a deep breath he opened the large doors and strode inside. Arthur was already there, sitting at his desk, going through some papers.
"Did you lose your way?" the King asked without looking up.
"What?" was Merlin's confused response.
"I haven't seen you since I've send you to the stables." the royal said, raising his head.
"No, well, it took me a little while to complete that chore..."
"You fell asleep." It wasn't a question.
"I... No, of course not! I just..."
"It wouldn't be the first time, Merlin. Since you've had your beauty sleep, you can stay up longer to polish my armor." Arthur said while walking to his chair.
"Yes, sire." the young warlock replied and he bowed his head. If he had just looked at his King, he would have seen the confusion and worry in the man's eyes. For the servant didn't use the word 'sire' most of the time. Certainly not in the obedient way like he did now.
Merlin walked closer to the table in order to fill Arthurs goblet but thanks to his headache, that seemed to be getting worse, and his distracted mind, he tripped over his own feet, fell to the table and took the pitcher and a plate filled with bread and meat with him to the ground.
"Merlin!" Arthur shouted in shock. "You really are the most useless servant in whole of Camelot, aren't you!"
The boy quickly got up, picked the pitcher and plate from the floor and cleaned the spilled wine and food.
"I'm sorry, sire." he said softly and he lowered his head. He started to doubt if the King really saw him as a friend. Maybe it had just been his own imagination. Maybe he just thought Arthur saw him as a friend because he certainly thought about him like that. Although he wasn't able to tell him his biggest secret. A soft sigh escaped his lips.
"Can I be excused, sire?" Again that word. There was no sarcasm in his voice this time and he kept his eyes on the ground. Arthur frowned. Something was definitely wrong with Merlin, but for the life of him he didn't know what.
"You can go." Arthur answered and watched as his manservant left the room, without another word.
Merlin slowly walked back to his room. His head kept going back to the events in the stables.
He knew he shouldn't listen to those three horrible knights but he couldn't help himself thinking about their words. It wasn't the first time Arthur had called him useless but for the first time in those six years he started to wonder if the King really meant what he said. He had thought that those insults were only meant as harmless jibes but now he wasn't really sure about that anymore. By the time he arrived at the physicians chamber he had decided he would try and be a better servant. Maybe Arthur would like that.
He opened the door quietly so he would not startle Gaius. He knew that if his mentor was mixing some potions, it would be better to not be around at all. Luckily for him the old physician wasn't there. He quickly took the painkiller he needed so badly and went straight to bed. Hopefully it would all be better in the morning.
Merlin's night had been terrible. Every time he closed his eyes his sleepy mind brought him back to the horrors of earlier that day. He could see their eyes, he could feel their hands and worst of all, he could hear them. Every single word, spoken with so much anger and so much hate. And if those memories weren't terrible enough, the faces of the three knights started to change in those of his friends. At first it were Leon, Elyan and Percival, cornering him, calling him names.
"Useless!"
"Vermin!"
"You're nothing but a servant!"
The young man woke up with tears in his eyes. 'It's just a dream, it wasn't real. They are your friends. It's just a dream.' he kept repeating in his mind. After that he didn't want to sleep anymore but the tiredness took over again. As soon as he closed his eyes the dream returned. This time the faces morphed into those of Arthur, Gwaine and Lancelot.
"Useless toad of a servant! You can't do anything right!"
"I would never be friends with such a weakling like you!"
"Filthy sorcerer!"
"No!!" Merlin cried out. His shout woke him up. He was shaking terribly and tears were streaming down his face.
"It's not true, it's a dream, it's just a dream. They're your friends, your friends. It was just a dream..." he whispered softly to himself.
When he calmed down again he pushed himself out of bed and quietly dressed himself. He refused to fall asleep again. The memory of Arthur's armor that still needed to be polished came to mind. He would go to the armory. Doing his chore would surely keep him awake and the King would be happy that he followed his orders. He slowly opened his door so it wouldn't squeak and shuffled passed the sleeping form of his mentor. Somehow Merlin's shout hadn't woken him. The secret warlock went straight to the armory for he knew that no one would be awake to see him roam the halls on this nightly hour. When he arrived at the weapon chamber he saw that there was no one around. 'Obviously' he thought. He found a cloth and began to work. The rhythmic movements he made while polishing the king's armor made him relax a bit. His mind however wouldn't stay still. He kept thinking about his friends. Were there clues about what they thought about him? Should he have seen it if they didn't want him to be around? Were those new recruits right? He was so far lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice how it slowly began to light outside. Birds chirped while the sun started to come out of her slumber.
He was startled from his thoughts because the door to the armory suddenly flew open. Leon and Elyan walked in. They came to pick up some weapons for the training of that morning.
"Aren't you supposed to wake Arthur?" Leon asked when he saw the raven haired boy rubbing the breastplate of the king's armor. Merlin quickly got up.
"Yes, of course, I lost track of time. Thank you sir Leon." he said, rushing for the door after he made a quick bow.
"You better hurry." Elyan said while he took some practice swords.
The young boy ran out of the room to the kitchens. The movement and his quickened breath aggravated his chest though so he had to slow down. He tried to catch his breath and sighed. 'Was it just him or had those two been acting rather cold just now?' he wondered. Leon had no reason to act friendly with him, he thought. He was a noble after all. He didn't need to act like he was his friend, right? And Elyan, he really didn't know that knight all too well. Come to think of it, he didn't have a real talk with the man before. Not like he had talked with Gwaine or Lancelot. Maybe those two had just been acting kind towards him because of the others. Merlin shook his head. He shouldn't think like that. They were his friends. He knew they were. Weren't they?
He picked up Arthur's breakfast and went imidiatly to the royal chambers. When he arrived at the doors he stopped for a moment and knocked. No answer came of course. Arthur was still sleeping. Merlin knocked again but when he was met with silence again he quietly opened the door and went inside. He placed the plate and pitcher on the table as carefully as he could muster and went to open the curtains. The King woke when the light teased his eyes. When he opened them he could see Merlin, he was standing with his back towards him, looking out of the window. No cheerful 'rise and shine' or the irritating 'up and at 'em' or even the worse 'shake a leg'. It made him remember the strange behavior of his friend that previous evening and he wondered if he was alright.
"Merlin?" he asked while he pushed himself into a sitting position.
The servant in question quickly turned around and smiled at him.
"Good morning, sire. I'm sorry I woke you this late. I was at the armory and lost track of time. The others are already at the training field." While realizing his mistake he lowered his head and looked at the ground. Arthur didn't respond but got out of bed and walked over to the boy. As he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder he could see how he flinched at the touch and it made him frown. 'What happened to him to react like this?'
"Are you alright Merlin?" he asked carefully.
"Yes, sire." the boy responded in a soft voice. "Shall I help you dress or do you want to eat something first?" he asked.
"Merlin! What's wrong with you? You never call me sire."
"I'm sorry, Arthur. It's nothing. I'm alright." he looked up to the meet his masters' eyes and gave him a small smile. 'Was that worry he could see there?'
"Let me help you get ready. The others are already waiting."
Arthur let Merlin dress him and took a quick bite from one of the apples. All the while he kept observing the black haired boy. His movements were slow and his shoulders were slumped. He looked sad and troubled. The King made a mental note to ask about that later.
"Where's my armor?" he asked suddenly.
Merlin's face became even paler than he normally was and stuttered "I... It's still in the armory. I... I'm sorry, sire. I'll bring it to you on the training field." He made a bow and hurried out of the room, straight back to the armory.
Upon seeing the king's armor, the servant noticed that he still had to polish the helmet. He cursed under his breath and imidiatly got to work. Maybe Arthur wouldn't notice if he was a bit later. After a few minutes he was done and ready to leave when the door suddenly flew open.
"Here you are!" Gwaine exclaimed. "The Princess is waiting for you at the training field. You better hurry up before he decides to use you as a dummy again." the sturdy knight said with a grin.
Merlin huffed, got up and took the armor in his arms. His friend rushed over and took some of the metal in his own hands. "Thanks." the boy said with his first genuine smile of that day on his face. They walked side by side to the field, Gwaine was telling a joke and succeeded in making the boy laugh. 'At least I know for sure that he is my friend.' the young warlock thought happily. As they reached the training grounds they could see that everyone was already there. The King was talking with his knights, telling them about his plans for that training. When he saw his manservant he quickly left them behind and let him help him into his armor. They both didn't say a word.
Merlin watched the training from the sidelines. He didn't pay any attention to what was happening in front of him though. His mind kept jumping from one thought to another. Memories from the past came flooding back and mixed with thoughts about his friends. While he looked at them, fighting each other, he thought about their friendship. If there was any reason to call it friendship. He was just a servant after all. The words of the three knights and his nightmares had left their marks.
'Lancelot, the black haired, noble, knight. A brave warrior with a pure heart. He was his friend. No doubt about that. He was the only one, besides Gaius and his mother, who knew about his magic. Although he didn't know the true extend of his powers he had seen firsthand that he wasn't a weakling. It was his spell that killed the griffin after all. Merlin knew that he could talk about anything with the knight, without fear that he would scare him away or that he would tell Arthur. Yes, Lancelot was his friend. The real Lancelot would never call him a filthy sorcerer like the one in his dreams had done. Right?'
'Leon, born of noble blood. He was a true knight, fair and honest. He was loyal to Arthur, maybe the most loyal of them all. The man had fought many battles already and it was almost a miracle he was still alive. The knight hadn't paid much attention to the young warlock at first but because they went on a lot of patrols and hunts together they had grown closer to each other. The band between them had begin to grow when the others joined the knights. But to say that Leon saw him as a friend? Merlin couldn't be sure. He never said that you were.'
'Percival, the friendly giant. Merlin had felt a strong friendship towards the big, muscular knight from the beginning. Although he didn't talk much, his body language told everything he wanted to say. Merlin knew that the man felt protective over him because he reminded him of his younger brother. But was it enough? Was a feeling like that worthy of being called friendship? Maybe?'
'Elyan, protector of the innocent. A true knight at heart, that's for sure. He followed his believes and was loyal to Arthur. Merlin liked the man but he didn't feel like he knew him all that much. Other than that he was sure that he did earn his place at the round table. Although he certainly felt friendship for the dark knight, he could only hope the man felt the same towards him. Did he?'
'Gwaine, the strength of the group. He sure was something else. Merlin knew that he was the son of a knight but he refused to tell the others. The man was often found at the tavern. Mostly drunk. He had a love for apples and women. The latter getting him into trouble, a lot. He once had told him that he was his only friend. Now that statement wasn't true anymore. The sturdy knight had a lot of friends now. But that didn't bother the young warlock at all. He knew that, whatever would happen, Gwaine would be there by his side. It was safe to say that Gwaine was his friend. Until he had no use of him anymore.'
'Arthur, the once and future King of Albion. Prat, dollop-head, utter ass and a spoiled arrogant brat. Or at least that's what he was, six years ago. He had changed so much since the day they met. He had become a great King and Merlin was proud to call him his master. He would stay by his side and protect him until the day he died. If only he could tell him about his magic. But although he saw the royal as his friend, he wasn't sure if he returned those feelings and he was afraid that, whatever Arthur felt towards him, wouldn't be enough to get him to accept his powers. He was afraid that the King would hate him if he would ever find out. With a big secret like that, Merlin didn't feel worthy at all to be called a friend. So no, Arthur was not a friend, not until he knew and accepted who he really was. But that would never happen.'
From upon the training field, six knightsinterrupted their practice to look at their friend, who seemed lost in his ownthoughts. A frown plastered on his pale face, his lips for once without a smileand slumped shoulders. They all shared a worried look before they went on withtheir sparring matches. They made a silent vow to themselves that they wouldfind out what was bothering their young friend. 

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There's a lot of thinking from Merlin, who is obviously having doubts about how his friends see him. I hope it wasn't boring. Next chapter will be better, I hope.
A big thank you to Phoe-nix for all the reactions. It means a lot!
And of course a thank you to the new followers. Welcome all to this story. I hope you like it.
Please let me know what you think!