Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

7
The sun came in streaming through my window and onto my face, illuminating the darkness of my room, making me feel like someone is in here with me. I literally woke up and smiled, that’s right, I actually smiled, with teeth and everything and it wasn’t one of those fake smiles that you give people when you just aren’t in the mood, it was both real and authentic.
It was around spring time and I was about to go back to school after my spring vacation. While other girls in my class travelled to Mexico or stayed up all night at parties, getting wasted and making out with their next mistake, I was up all night thinking about Alex.
I couldn’t stop my thoughts from drifting to Alex’s shore; I couldn’t force a cessation when it came to rehashing our conversation over and over again in my mind.
I just can’t stop myself from thinking about it, I’ve been analyzing it all repeatedly, maybe that’s why I woke up with a smile, because he filled my brain with nothing but him, well him and the waffles I am looking forward to eating.
I hear his words echo through my mind, sending a cold shiver down my spine; I don’t have time to think about this, I need to get dressed. Or so I tell myself as I relate my every passing thought to him.
I smooth out my hair, put a random shirt and jeans on with any jacket I can find, then I put a pair of converse on and spray some perfume on me before rushing downstairs to eat my waffles and go to school.
I am currently rushing because I am going to try and evade Alex, I just can’t see him right now, and not when my thoughts are all over the damn place. I still haven’t made up my mind; I don’t know what to think, honestly, he has given me a great deal to think about and I want to take my time and really think through this.
I pull my hoodie up and run out, a cool breeze hits my face softly, sending random strands of my hair to fly all over the place and get in my way.
The thing with Alex is that he doesn’t get it. He tried to leave me for my own good but I think I should be making decisions like that, not him. I think I know my feelings better than he does, although I know his feelings better than he does, too, but that’s irrelevant. He attempted to pull the whole “I don’t care” card on me  multiple times but we all know that if someone repeatedly tells you that they “don’t care” then they are trying to convince themselves, not you, they care a whole lot more than they’d like to admit.
I have seen too much for his liking, I’ve realized things even he hasn’t realized, and I guess it scares him to think that someone else can have him pinned down when he can barely keep track of his own thoughts. I guess I was raised to analyze people, I generally enjoyed watching people and trying to pin down their emotions, their fears, their problems, what makes them tick, I’ve always wanted to have a better understanding of human emotions, I’ve always wanted to be able to understand why people do what they do so I poured myself into psychology and analyzing everyone, making up theories in my mind.
I know I did all that because I was lonely, I barely had any friends so I had a lot of free time, instead of choosing a hobby like playing a musical instrument or reading and writing, maybe even swimming, I chose to observe those around me and come up with reasons for their behavior, it’s both impressive and morbid in my opinion.
Anyway, back to the point, Alex is one of those few people that, just when I thought I had them pinned down, they surprise me. That confuses me to no end because I hate not knowing things; it aggravates me and makes me feel so useless a lot of the time.
I walk ahead with my headphones blasting an ‘All Time Low’ song in my ears, my music taste has sort of blended in with Alex’s over the past couple of months, I never thought I could listen to songs with guitars in them and actually enjoy the song but I enjoy soft metal and alternative songs, I’m still very picky but not as much as I used to be.
The music basically blocks out everything else around me, someone could be screaming my name at the top of their lungs and I wouldn’t notice them.
“Hearts on fire tonight, feel my bones ignite, feels like war… We go together or we don’t go down at all.” I sing the lyrics, not doing the song any justice with my terrible voice, I am actually degrading the song, I sound that bad.
I almost reach school when I feel a hand on my shoulder, whoever that is startles me; I immediately turn around and automatically punch whoever is there. I internally smile when I see Alex clutching his stomach, where I hit him.
I turn my music off and ask him if he is okay bitterly, and when he says ‘I’ll live’ I flash him a fake smile and walk away.
Alex runs after me but I ignore him, he’s the one that tried to cut  me out of his life, I am not going to run back to him because he’s sorry, he needs to be locked out and he needs to really appreciate what he has because I’m not one to be taken for granted. Never have been and never will be.
“Nirvana Valerie Johnson, turn around and talk to me, please.”  Alex pleaded, I avoided turning around but looked at him through my phones screen, he was standing still in his place, so was I.
“I am not moving from this very spot unless you turn around and talk to me because that guy that hurt you last night, that wasn’t me, I know he sounded very convincing but he wasn’t me.” I roll my eyes and refuse to turn around.
“Yeah, I’m sure he was an imposter. Next time your alter ego decides to come out and play, let me know, I’d like to have word with him.” I answered back sarcastically without turning around.
“You still didn’t turn around, I want to talk face to face.” he answered; he still hasn’t moved a single muscle.
“Well, that’s not happening anytime soon, you better get comfortable in that spot of yours.” I say harshly.
“Oh I will. The same way we will talk through this, hopefully in a very civilized manner.” He says determinedly.
“Sure, I doubt that but best of luck anyway, bye.” I continue walking away and smile down at the ground too. Its weird how much of an effect one person can have on you, we just fought last night and now I’m here smiling when I think about him. I kind of always smile when I think about him; it’s not something I can really help.
It starts raining and I wonder if he is still outside on that spot waiting for me, it makes me think of ‘the man who can’t be moved’ by ‘simple plan’. Although I highly doubt that he is actually sitting out there in the rain, waiting for me, I also don’t doubt it because he is stubborn and determined. He’s probably just sitting there to prove a point or something.
I almost run out of school and rush to him, it’s still raining but I had an umbrella in my locker. I walk quickly to the spot where I left him, nearly falling on my face because of the endless puddles and slippery pavements, when I see him.
Alex instantly looks up at me and smiles widely at me, he looks at me in this ‘I knew you’d come’ way, it’s almost like he has forgotten that this is sort of the route I take to walk home every day and I would’ve passed him anyway.
I was about to walk to him and tell him that it’s okay, that I have forgiven him and I just want us to walk home together and talk, but I don’t.
I ignore him and walk past him, feeling overwhelmed that he stayed outside all day and skipped school for me, not that I have any proof of it, for all I know he could’ve spent his day at home then walked back here before school ended.
“Alright, fine. I guess I will have to spend the night out here too!” he yells after me.
“Again, good luck with that!” I yell back.
I can’t sleep; I just toss and turn in my bed as I think of him sitting alone in the dark, waiting for me. I get out of bed and look at his room through my window, his lights aren’t on and no one is in there.
I really wish he didn’t feel the need to be so damn poetic all the time, I mean what the hell? That idiot is going to freeze or catch pneumonia, and all to prove a point.
I call our mutual friend, Johnny, and ask him if Alex is serious and is actually spending the night on a side walk out in this storm, Johnny only laughs and tells me that everyone in our grade has been checking up on him every hour or two, someone even gave him some hot chocolate and a blanket, I suddenly remember my mother vaguely walking out of the house with a blanket and hot chocolate. My own mother is rooting for him, great, no pressure there.
I blush deeply and feel shame and guilt spread through me. Well I didn’t ask him to do this for me, he didn’t have to sit outside all night, and it’s not my problem. I don’t get what the purpose of all this is, like what exactly will he gain? Has he really stopped to think about this? Well, he has spent his whole day and most of the night outside sitting on the sidewalk, waiting for me; pretty sure he must’ve done some thinking.  It is still not my problem; I should go back to bed.
If it isn’t my problem then why am I running barefoot in an extremely short night dress under the cold and harsh rain?
I see Alex sitting there, his head rests in his hands, he is looking down at the ground, and he doesn’t notice me until I scream his name out, ending the fighting and tension between us. I literally feel all the anger I once had evaporating; it’s replaced with something much more powerful and much more intense, something I can’t seem to describe, the most I can say is that it makes me feel all warm and soft inside, it also makes me feel like there’s this fire growing in my stomach.
Alex stands up and starts running over to me, and I basically run into his open arms and he hugs me tightly and catches me in his arms as we collide into each other. It’s like we have a love story but we both won’t admit it, what kind of friends would stay out under the pouring rain all day and night just to apologize, or  hug each other tightly under the pouring rain?
Alex’s strong arms wrap themselves around my body and I hug him with both hands too.
“I’m so sorry, nirvana; I didn’t mean what I said. I never want you to leave me, ever.” He says, I just hug him tightly and nod my head and say “I know” and “it’s okay”.
My whole body is pressed against his and I can feel his muscles and his heart beating too, once again, I can’t stop myself from placing my lips on his for the second time.  Alex kisses me back and his hands travel up and down my body, he instantly stops kissing me and looks me sternly in the eyes.
“What the hell are you wearing?!” he pulls the blanket off of him and wraps me in it; he also looks down at my feet and shakes his head disapprovingly.
“What? You can stay out in the pouring rain for me but I can’t rush out of the house in nothing but a light night dress and no shoes?” I try and act innocent.
“God, you drive me insane, you know that, right?” he kisses me again quickly, then he hands me a mug, most likely the one he drank hot chocolate out of, and tells me to hold it before he swiftly lifts my feet off the ground and scoops me up in his arms.
“What are you doing?” I ask, startled.
“Yeah, do you really think I’m going to let you walk home barefoot?” he answers and I roll my eyes at him and smile.
“You’re an idiot.” I answer back.
“Only a fool for you.” he kisses me on my forehead and carries me home.
After we wrap up our little scene, Alex tells me about his day while I fill him in on what he missed.
Alex spends the night in my home, we sleep together innocently, and both wrapped up in each other’s arms, where we belong.
I completely forget all that has been said and focus on what has been done, he basically gave me my own personal scene from a movie, one that will always be my favorite ‘Alex and nirvana’ moment. I sleep peacefully and smile against his chest, he hums a rhythm that I recognize and I hum it with him, my mom used to sing that to me as a lullaby, it’s called “you are my sunshine”, it melts my heart to think that he remembered that and is now using my childhood lullaby to put me to sleep.
I think that was also a very important night for us, I mean besides the huge romantic gesture and our Nicholas sparks moment, it was the night, scratch that, the moment, where I first realized that I loved him and I would do anything for him, and when I say anything, I mean anything. Expect donate my heart to save him, I would give him my liver or my kidneys but this isn’t some emo poetry, all of my vital organs stay put.
But I loved him, in that moment and every other moment before and after that, I loved him. I was in love with him and I doubt I will ever love someone as much as I love him, is it even humanly possible to love someone to this extent at such a young age?