With You In Your Dreams

Chapter 2

My eyes shot open. It was pitch black in the room. I was slightly disoriented as I tried waking up. Had I slept the whole time after she left? I glanced at the clock it was almost 8 pm. I picked up my phone to see if she called to tell me she had made it safe. That's when I saw the date.
She had been gone for 6 months now. She wouldn't be calling to tell me she had landed safely because she had never even made it to the airport that day. She arrived in Florida a few days later in a pine box.
I buried my face, which was no longer covered in just a slight stubble but in a full beard, in my hand.
I turned the light on and saw the room was in chaos again. I knew it had been too good to be true, even as weird as it was that the memory turned dream had changed.
I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom before going to the refrigerator and pulling out a beer. I scanned the living room, which was in as much chaos as the bedroom, and swallowed hard as my gaze fell on a picture of us at California Adventure. We were on Paradise Pier, it was night and behind us the Ferris wheel was lit up. We looked happy.
I opened the bottle and took a swig out of it before walking over to the picture and picking it up.
I gazed down at it for several minutes.
"If you miss me too much, I'll know and I will visit you in your dreams," her last words to me echoed in my brain. That had been how she always said good bye to me when we were going to be apart for more than a day. And it had especially rang true since her passing.
Every time I slept she had been there in my dreams. But only as a memory, the memory of that day.
My phone started ringing, so still holding the picture, I walked into the bedroom. I set the picture down on the bed and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hey man?" I heard my brother Ike's voice on the other end.
"Hey," I said.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"Surviving," I said, glancing down at the picture again. Then I added, "Barely."
"You up for some company?" he asked.
"Oh I don't -" I started.
"Dude we haven't seen you for a month," he said. "How bout Zac and I come over, bring a case and some chicken wings and we can watch the game?"
I half smiled, but hesitated. Then I shrugged, I was getting low on beer and this would save me a trip to the store tonight.
"Yeah alright," I relented.
"Awesome," he said. "We'll be there in about a half hour."
I hung up the phone and picked up the picture again.
"Why did you have to leave me?" I asked it, tracing over her face. A teardrop fell from my eye onto the glass distorting her face. I wiped my eyes before returning the picture back to it's spot in the living room. I cleared off the couch and straightened up the living room somewhat.
True to his word a half hour later there was a knock on my door.
"Dude!" Zac said, when he saw me. "Your beard game is strong."
I scoffed rubbing my hand over my bearded chin, "Yeah, I should probably shave one of these days."
He shrugged and handed me the case of beer. I took them over the fridge as he set the box of chicken wings on the counter.
"So how you been?" Ike asked looking around.
I shrugged, "Alright I guess."
"Alright?" he asked. "This place is a sty."
"Hey, I'm bachelor," I responded with a bitter chuckle. "Why does it matter?"
"Kaylee wouldn't want you to live like this bro," Zac said.
"Kaylee doesn't get a say in what happens anymore," I bit back. "She doesn't have wants or needs anymore remember?"
"I'm just saying," he said.
"Well, don't," I snapped. "I don't want to talk about her."
"We didn't come to fight," Ike said. "Let's just watch the game?"
I nodded and we headed into the living room. I turned the TV onto the football game and we sat on the couch.
We sat there in silence for the longest time.
"I don't know if you heard or not," Ike finally said. "But the last album didn't do too badly."
"Fans were pissed when we cancelled the tour though," Zac said. "I mean some people get it but -"
I took a swig out of my beer, "It doesn't really matter if they get it."
He nodded but didn't say anything.
"Hanson Day still had a good turn out," Ike offered. "Considering -"
"Considering I don't care?" I asked, finishing my beer and jumping up to get another one. "It doesn't matter anymore. That shits all over with now."
"It shouldn't be though," he said, both of them following me to the kitchen. "It should matter to you. You should care. What are you going to do man just drink yourself to death?"
I shrugged, "Beats the alternative."
"What? Living your life?" Zac asked. "Being happy again?  Kaylee would hate knowing this is what you turned into!"
"Then maybe she shouldn't have left me!" I cried, feeling my eyes well up again.
"Dude," he said softly. "It's not like she had a choice."
"Neither did I," I said bitterly, wiping my eyes. "She was everything to me and now I have nothing."
"That's not true," Ike said. "You've got us, you've got our family, you've got the band -"
"We don't have a band anymore," I snapped.
"You're seriously giving up everything we built?" Zac asked. "Everything we worked so hard to achieve?"
"Just because Kaylee is gone," Ike said. "Doesn't mean you should give up everything."
"It does to me," I shrugged. "I'm done with all of that."
He shook his head, "I know it's been hard -"
"You have no idea what it's been like!" I snapped. "Neither of you do! The women you love are still here, they're with you every night. You get to hold them and kiss them and tell them you love them and hear them say it back! You know what I got? One old voicemail message, a bunch of pictures that mock me and memories that torture me. You have no idea what that's like."
"We don't, you're right," Zac sighed. "And we're so sorry, man. Neither of you deserved this."
"She didn't deserve this," I said, looking down not fighting the tears that were coming. "She was a better person than all of us. She deserved a full happy life. I would take her place in a heartbeat if I could."
"But you can't man," Ike sympathised, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Would you want Kaylee living like this if it had been you?"
"She would know how to handle something like this," I said, choking back a sob. "She was stronger than I am. She would know how to move on..."