For My Momentary Self

Collection #1

A nonsensical memorandum by a confused person  

Again, a candidate who opposed my beliefs has failed to win. In that moment when I was on the verge of being proven wrong, I was predominantly shown the opposite. My disappointment isolated me far from the proof I longed for. Though I questioned its existence and doubted its significance, my theory can never be complete. Without any evidence, nothing can be known as truly "complete". But, with my methodology, too many ambiguities appear. After numerous efforts to find a solid answer, it became clear that at my current state, it's impossible. From this, I realized that any further attempts would just be meaningless. Therefore, my convictions will always be incomplete.

While reflecting on my past self, it's plausible I was too dependent on that person. As innocent as this may sound, I was sure a mutuality existed between us. From the start, I was cautious, but that person provided a credible assertion, and it lingered in my heart reassuringly. However, this led to an assumption that I shouldn't have put my faith in. What I thought was sincere shattered one day, revealing a murky truth, contorted by white lies. The trust I had in that person vanished, and I felt a sense of abandonment when there was no awareness of this betrayal. My hopes and expectations were silently dragged along, only to go unnoticed. In the end, it was my fault for reaching out, when I should have remained solitary.

And so, a rift occurred between us, and I am left to deal with a chaos of speculations. If I could only collect the fragments of truth, then perhaps I would be able to understand how to act in the future. But until then, I have no other choice but to revert to my old ways. My former conclusions filled the vacancy left by that person. Although I find it unfortunate, that person views it as a natural occurrence. This single misstep has blocked my attempts to make amends and prevented me from closing the distance. Once I saw how one-sided my feelings were, I decided to forsake the relationship I cherished greatly. There's no meaning in a bond that's cared for by only one person. As regrettable as the outcome may be, it can't be helped.

If that's all it took to break us apart, then perhaps we weren't that close to begin with.

Perhaps, there was nothing important that person wanted to salvage.

Though....

In truth, I am not certain...

.... About anything.