"Safe..."

Chapter Three

"Give me a minute. Goddamn."

"Joshua!"

"Sorry!" I muttered a "fucking hell, woman" under my breath so she couldn't hear. Once I was satisfied with my hiding of the cuts, I unlocked and opened the bathroom door.

"Come eat." She said. I shook my head.

"I told you I ate earlier. Matt got me lunch." I lied. I had said words similar before, so the constant lying didn't bother me. Not anymore. I still don't like lying to Matt, but I have to. Even though he knows I'm not okay. Of course he knows, he's my best friend. He knows everything about me. I gently pushed my mother out of the way and sat on my bed. She left after that. I sighed and called my best friend who left just over a half an hour ago.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

"Hey man. You okay?" He picked up in the middle of the fourth ring.

"I don't know anymore. But get your ass over here. I need you."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Do you need to stay on the phone?"

"Don't care." Partly true. I wanted to know that he was there. I wanted to know that no matter what, I would be okay. With Matt around, I always felt safe. He was my only source of happiness (other than drugs) and he didn't know how much he meant to me. He had been there for me no matter what, and I loved him for that.

Knock knock...knock knock.

The heartbeat-style of knocking (that Matt and I had come up with to help us know who was there) pulled me from my thoughts. I called for him to come in. He sat next to me on the bed.

"What's up? You okay man?"

"I don't know what I am. I'm a lot of things. I'm nothing at all. I don't fuckin' know anymore."

"Josh..." He said softly and placed his hand on mine. I smiled slightly. This was one of the few times I felt happy when I wasn't totally out of it. Knowing that Matt truly did care about me and wanted me to get better was great. I just couldn't stop.

"I cut again..." I mumbled.

"Joshua Keeler Ramsay."

"Don't use my full name."

"You know it's bad. Why do you do it?"

"I deserve it. I need to feel something I know is not a lie. I deserve every single one of them. For not being perfect."

"No one's perfect."

You are.

I wanted to tell him aloud that he'll always be perfect to me. He didn't have my problems. He knew that he was perfect. He knew it damn well.

"Everyone expects everyone else to be perfect and we don't know what perfect is and so we all compete to be the best but I'm stuck at the bottom. Always last. It's not fair."

"Josh..."

"I'm sorry. I'm wasting your time." There was that word again. Sorry. Was I ever going to stop being sorry for stupid, pointless shit? Probably not. Unless I got better and I highly doubted that would ever happen. I would always need to get high. Always need to cut. Always need to starve myself or throw up after everything I ate. Always. That was just fact. I looked down at Matt's hand, which was still on top of mine, and intertwined our fingers. I laid my head against the wall. Maybe I could try to get better...for him...
.
.
.
"Josh?"

"Hmm?"

"I have to go...it's late..."

"What time is it?"

"Ten thirty."

"Can you spend the night?"

"Are your parents okay with it?"

"They always have been. They know how important you are to me."

"Okay. You wanna lay down?"

As long as you hold me...

I shrugged.

"You want me to hold you?"

"If that's okay..."

"Of course it is. You're my best friend, why wouldn't it be?" I shrugged again and laid down, my back to the wall. He laid in front of me and smiled. I forced a small smile back. I stared down at our hands, which were still linked together.

"Josh?"

"What's up?"

"Can I be honest with you?" He asked softly.

"Always."

"How long have we been friends?"

"Three years."

"And in those three years, how many girls have I been with?"

"Um, none. What are you getting at?"

"Wait. I'm thinking." He said.

"Three years, zero girlfriends."

"Matt...are you..."

"Am I what? Gay?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay."

"Okay? Just...okay?"

"Yeah. It's not a big deal."

"You arent gonna freak out and hate me?"

"No. It's just a sexuality. You like guys. That's great. And I'm glad you feel you can tell me this." He smiled.

"Thank you...can I tell you something else?"

"Of course."

"I love you." He said quietly. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at him. He stared at our hands.

"Matt. Look at me. Please." He slowly lifted his head and met my gaze. I smiled. A real smile this time. He nervously chewed on his lip. I'm not gonna lie. He was hot.

"I u-understand if y-you want to never see me again..." He pulled his hand away from mine.

"Matthew Webb. You have been my best friend for years. I will never want to break that. You're the only one who knows how to help me. As much of a stubborn asshole that I may be, you're always there for me. And you know what? I fucking love that you were brave enough to tell me how you feel. You know me better than I know myself. You're the only one I can call at two A.M.. You are so fucking important to me."

"I love you...so much Joshua...and if you don't feel the same, I understand. I just hope that you can still be my best friend..." He whispered. Despite his quiet tone, I could tell be was on the verge of tears. I hugged him.

"We will never stop being friends. Never. And I don't know if I feel the same. But I'll be damned if I don't get better. I will try so fucking hard. For you."

***
Heyo!!!!
Chapter three, hell yeah!
This was long and I loved writing it!
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it!
K byeeeee!
~ayden