Enclosed Letter [Camren]

1. Lauren,

There's no other way for me to express myself to you. I figured if I did it through text it might not seem sincere enough, so I decided to write it all in a letter. I still don't know if this will end up torn by me before it is ever in your hands but I can't deal with it all being inside me anymore. If I don't put it down somewhere I'm afraid I'll be eaten up. So here it is.

I was not surprised to hear that you and Lucy finally developed into what you are now. The two of you have had a strong bond and connection since you knew each other and I know she was the one who was there for you when we ended. I was surprised, however, by the fact that you didn't even think to tell me about it. I had to learn the news through the other girls and that's what hurt me the most. To me, this is a sign that because we've been lovers, we can't even be friends anymore. And I hate to let you go, Lauren. As a lover or a friend.

I never could stop thinking about us. Everything reminds me of you. I hate when the songs you love comes on, when I see something in your favourite colour, when I look to the sky at night and see the moon, when I pick up the guitar and your voice from the time we just sang what we wanted in your bedroom is what comes up in my head, when I go on tumblr and see posts about love or heartbreak, when the food you hate or like appears in front of me... And every fucking thing that's in my life, every movement, every sound, every word, every hint of light, every touch, every smell... they remind me of you.

I miss us. Desperately. Frustratingly. Hopelessly. I miss being your happiness. I knew I could always count on you to laugh at all my jokes no matter how lame they were. I asked you why you did that once, and you said it's because you love me and didn't want me to feel upset when no one laughs at them. Lauren, I remember every syllable you spoke to me. How they sounded, how they felt, how they warmed me from head to toe, how they told me that you are the one I have to fight for, to stay with, to love in spite of any obstacle placed in this path we have to walk. I miss the sound of my name pronounced by you, it's different from how others call me. My heart flutters when you call me camz. You're special to me, Lauren. You always will be. From the very beginning till the end.

It's been hard for us, hasn't it? I know it used to break your heart whenever you have to deny us in public. I could never find the courage to do that, lie about the person I love with all my heart. I tried to, but I'm seen through every time. Were they too heavy for you, the potential consequences of us? Or did the denying just grew on you and became a natural response? You never told me why. I know I told you it's okay to not tell me why, but I overthink, you know that, and the fear that I could be what ruined us... I can't take that. I'm sorry. I still want to know.

I don't know what else to tell you. I love you. I'm still so madly in love with you. But I'm relieved that you're happy, that is all I want for you to be.

I saw you smile at Lucy in our concert. I haven't seen your face light up like that for so long. If she gives you that, please, love her. Please be in love.

I don't know what status are we in. But if you'd like to, I want to continue being your friend. I understand if you can't accept that, I'm only hoping to still be a part of your life. I can't imagine my life without you. I'm not sure if you feel the same but let me hope. Please.

I love you. I don't know if we stand a chance anymore but I'll be waiting. I promise I'll be here when... if you decide to come home to me. You're my light Lauren. I won't stop loving you.

With all my heart,

Camz