Enclosed Letter [Camren]

5. Lauren,

I can't stop thinking about you today.

But that's not something unusual and I think you know. Since that day we met at the X Factor audition, you've never left my mind even for just half a millisecond. You've changed my life, Laur, and I think you know that too. Remember how I stuttered out "I love your shirt" when I first saw you? Yeah, I was looking into your emerald eyes and lying straight to your face. It's not your shirt I love, but you. I think I must have started loving you since that moment in time.

Was it pathetic of me? I hoped for it to be the moment of clarity on what love is. I hoped for it to be a fixed point in time, that no matter how many time travellers the future send back to stop us from happening, it will never be altered. I hoped for every version of me to say "I love your shirt" to every version of you in every version of alternate universe there is and for just one version of me to slip up and say "I love you" instead. I hoped for us to last, from that moment, the very beginning, until there's no possible way for us to love anymore.

I hoped for too much, didn't I? I guess in my eyes you were just that magical, capable of fulfilling all my wishes no matter how many there were.

We've just been off tour a while and I already miss having an excuse to be close to you all the time. Now that we're apart, I know you go back to Lucy. She's the obvious choice, isn't she? You've been giving hints all over your tumblr about who you are. I knew someone like you, so brave, so bold, so unyielding, won't be satisfied with putting on a facade every time you face the world. I used to love that part about you. I still do, Lauren. It's just harder to stay the same knowing that your courage was once for me and not anymore.

You got drunk at the wedding again. You know that is the one thing I've always disliked about you, using it as an escape. I know it's hard on you too, but god, Lauren, you know I'd let you be if my heart would just stop wrenching every time I see you resolve to that.

(Did kissing Lucy feel as good as kissing me? When she bit down on your bottom lip, when you closed your eyes, were you lost in her or lost in me? Do you feel that fluttering feeling with her, the one you described in the clumsiest way possible when you asked me to be yours? Did any part of her remind you of any part of me?)

I came across this quote on tumblr. "Sometimes we just say 'I just want you to be happy,' but deep inside our hearts we know, we still want to be their happiness." This is how I feel about you, Lauren. And I guess it's going to stay that way. It's alright though, you know? I don't think I'll ever regret giving my heart to you. And you can try whatever to stop me from loving you, but I figured that as long as you have the right to refuse, I have the right to persist.

I'm still a dreamer after all.

I know I'll have to wait. I know things can't just change in an instant. But when things stop feeling right, when you find yourself stuck at a dead end, when you feel as though you're on the edge of breaking, when you're hurting, or just any other time you need... I'll be right here. Not until I find a reason to leave. And even if I did find it, I'll ignore it just as I've always ignored the pain that accompanies my love for you.

Don't ask me why, Lauren. I've explained it all in that moment. And if everything else I hoped when I first met you never comes true, I hope for you to know only this,

Unchanging like the way ink always dries on paper, I'm in love with you.

With all my heart,
Camz