Enclosed Letter [Camren]

6. Camz,

I forgot if I've ever told you this before, maybe I did, when we were resisting but being lulled to sleep by the warmth provided by each other's bodies so close to our own. But I want to tell you again, and put it down on paper for you this time.

I like to envision my heart as a castle. Every room is every major thing that occupies a piece of me. And in the biggest but emptiest room of my castle, is a boundless field of green below a clear blue sky, while each floating cloud represents one dream I want to pursue in my life. The room is big and limitless, because I'm ambitious, and I need the space to accomodate my desire to become more and more each day I grow older. The sky is clear and empty, because dreams have to be fulfilled and achieved, like clouds have to be built higher until they become rain and wet the earth. And just like clouds cannot be held as an object, dreams are vague. They only become of substance as you push yourself further to reach them.

When I went to audition for the X Factor, I was pursuing the only dream in the room, to become what I've always wanted to be. At the time that was purely the word "singer". I fantasized about using my voice and changing people's lives with it. I wanted to impact people, to light up their worlds when they're down, to express every emotion they concealed so carefully, to tell them they're not alone after they've been broken. That was all I wanted, that was all I worked hard for, that was all that motivated me to stand on that stage in front of the most terrifying crowd I've ever seen in my life.

I was just 16. I think I was doing pretty great for a kid trying to realise the only dream she's had for herself. 

I was on the right path. And then things kind of not worked out and worked out at the same time. We all got eliminated individually, and then we got put together in a group. I remember already having a faint memory of you when I saw you again, but it was only then I could finally put a name to the face of "the cute girl who liked my shirt".

Another cloud of dream was manifesting in the sky in my room. I got to realise it only afterwards. The day I learnt your name was the day I found my second dream.

You.

I wish every dream I've ever had and will ever have could be achieved as easily as the first one came to me. I guess we really can't have everything we want, can we? It was how my first dream came true that made my second dream difficult.

For a long time, all I wanted was to be able to hold your hand securely in mine and kiss you on your tender, soft lips whenever I want to in front of the world, gaining no speculation, no media coverage, no questions raised. People just see it and accept it, as if it was something that came to be naturally, which I think we both agree should be the way love is portrayed.

There were too many obstacles between this dream and another. One cloud had to be given up for the other to grow. In face of this we promised each other to let everything between us become our little secret, just so we could both go forth fearlessly to become the voices we wished to be.

I had a hard time grasping at the idea of someone as loving and understanding as you being mine, and you never stopped being the wonder you are even if we had to hide our love. I can never thank you enough for all you have done, Camz. And I cannot put into words how frustrated, angry, upset, disappointed I am... because it is not until recently that I came to know how everything we think we've done to become a singer that can positively impact people was useless.

It's unfair when those who cannot find their purpose step on, take advantage of, and manipulate those who dream. Those who would stop at nothing to fuel their passion and spread it to every possible being in the world. People like Dinah, Mani, and Ally, people like me, and people like you, Camz.

They made you leave. We all knew how the group hasn't stopped changing since we were established and gained popularity, and we all understood when you cried too much that night on break from tour and told us everything about wanting to leave. You've been sleepless so many nights, Camz. They just don't understand. And I hate nothing more than people who judge you when they never know exactly how much you struggle. Each and every hateful comment I see directed towards you, I wanted to scream and yell at whoever had the heart to say that to you. They just have no fucking idea who you are.

I'm not happy you left, it breaks my heart even. But I know you're looking for the right way to let your little clouds grow. I never want to stop you from doing that.

I've tried pushing you away for a while now... Having to hide for so long has taken a toll on us, and I completely understand that. I just don't want to hold you back anymore. I'm more content with the fact that you'll always be a small piece of cloud floating on my blue sky, a dream unachievable. More clouds will appear and disappear when I accomplish them, but I love the way that you, my second dream, will always be there in the sky in my room. It hurts, but that's okay.

I'm happy with Lucy, she has been my rock since before I tried to catch my first dream. She's an amazing person, and so gorgeous too. But I still feel so guilty because every time I kiss her, I close my eyes, and I imagine that it's you. This will take time, but we'll both move along, won't we, Camz?

You not being around will take some getting used to. But I was already familiar with the way you occupy the tiny piece of my heart. I'll always have love for you, Camila. I hope you seize each and every cloud there could be in your beautiful blue sky.

Yours forever,

Lauren