Dear Everyone; L.h

nine

Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. I mean a couple months isn't that long... right?

Anyways, I am incredibly sorry and I will try a lot harder to update as soon as I say I will.

And to show how sorry I truly am; I am going to write out a nice long chapter for all of you to enjoy.

this chapter is dedicated to pxnguinclifford for being so damn bad ass.

comment here, what your favorite song is and why for a dedication.

mine is sex by the 1975. The way matt sings just makes it so raw and beautiful and I can't help but feel so indulged in the music.

anyways, enjoy the chapter, try not to cry.

Day 28

I'm starting to question the very boundaries of my existence.

I love Liza, I know I love Liza.

when I'm with her I feel complete, like nothing could ever go wrong.

And then it does.

I can't keep depending my happiness on her, she doesn't deserve that type of weight on her shoulders. I just wish I could show to her how much she means to me.

I've been so selfish recently and I can't even think of how disappointed in me she must have been when for so long I wasn't there for her.

But I'm here now, and I just want her to know and believe that.

-

I close my journal with ease before tucking it under my left thigh. I'm not really sure what I was feeling in that exact moment, I would like to think that it was finally weight being lifted from my wobbly shoulders but it wasn't and the guilt piled on like a never ending storm.

I look up and watch as Liza carefully tip-toed into our bedroom, trying to avoid as much of the coldness from the floor as possible. To say the least, she looked like an idiot. I smiled as she wobbled backwards before toppling over onto our bed.

She stretched out her arms, wrinkling the duvet.

" I can't wait to not be pregnant" she says, her voice stretched out and muffled from yawning

I push my journal to the side and lay back "And why is that"

she looked so beautiful, her messy hair surrounded her round head and perfectly shaped her face "because" she replied "I want to see our beautiful baby girl, but I also want to be able to do all of the fun stuff we did before I was almost six months pregnant"

I jokingly scoff "well how do you think I feel? When you lay out in front of me while i'm laying down your small baby bump gets in my way of what we're watching"

she winks and pulls up the ends of her shirt revealing the small lump, she rubbed it with her right hand "She must be happy" she says

"How can you tell?"

She grabs my hand and puts it on her stomach "do you feel that?" she asks

I scrunch my eyebrows and frown "feel what?"

I begin rubbing around "I don't feel anything"

"try talking to her"

For a second I feel discouraged, like maybe she doesn't want to move for me. But I do as Liza instructs, moving so that I am closer to her stomach.

It's so weird thinking that I helped make the life form that was inside of my beautiful girlfriend. It seemed so foreign, like it wasn't real.

I nervously look up at her peering eyes, she flashes me a smile and motions for me to continue.

"what do I say?" I ask

"tell her who you are, and how you feel"

I take a deep breath in before looking back down at her small baby bump.

How did I feel? I know I was scared, hell I'm fucking terrified, but I know that I am in love.

I am in love with the fetus that has yet been born and has yet to even gather a future. And I am also in love with the very heart that keeps hers beating. Without Liza I don't know how far gone I would have been.

And to think about it, without any of the people in my life I don't know where I would be. And the sad thing about that is, I don't give any of them enough credit.

And so for that moment, I swallow my fears and think of the small lump as our baby. But she was here and she was so beautiful.

"hey babygirl" I say with a smile "it's me, your daddy"

I nearly leap out of the bed when I feel a small churning on my left hand, I look up to Liza to see her smiling back down at me.

"keep going" she says

I take in another deep breath before speaking again, "To tell you the truth, I'm terrified of just about everything right now, and I don't know if it's because I know i'm going to mess up or because I know that you deserve so much better than what I can give you"

"Luke stop"

but I don't stop, I feel my throat closing but I refuse to let it stop me "I can't stand the thought of knowing that I will never be the father you deserve and it kills me"

Liza pulls down her shirt and moves from underneath me.

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks but what I don't feel is the heart that I had just broken underneath Liza's chest. I let her down, it seems that's all I can do anymore is let people down.

No matter how hard I try I cant stop myself from messing things up.

I'm scared.

I feel Liza's arms wrap around my shoulders , her head was pressed against my chest and her legs were tightly hung around my torso.

"I'm here Luke" she says with a hallow breath "please see that I am here for you"

The next day came by quick, Liza began to worry once the clock struck four pm and still I had yet to get out of bed for anything. This ended with her calling over Ashton and Michael.

I could hear them talking about me through the walls, always the same thing about how they're worried for me and that they need to find a way to help me without making me feel pressured.

I hate being talked about like I wasn't there, like I'm a child and they're talking about the punishment they were going to give me.

I sat up in the bed and let my feet hang over the edge, I sat there silently for a moment before letting both my feet hit the cold ground. I wrapped the warm duvet around my half naked body and then I nervously made my way through the hallway and into the living room where they all sat with different varieties of pamphlets all regarding different out patient facilities.

"so that's it then?" I ask, gaining their attention.

Ashton stood up "Luke we're just trying to help"

"you're going to send me away to get fixed is that it?"

Liza was crying and I could see Michael was trying not to.

I dropped the blanket to the floor and stared at all of them with wide angry eyes.

"I'm not some broken toy you all can just fix, look at me!" I shout

Liza looked away from my thinning body, I tore my gaze away from her and replaced her with Michael who had already been looking away and so I finally stop at Ashton.

"do I look broken to you?" I ask, calm.

Finally I ended up putting clothes on and both Michael and Ashton left wishing Liza a goodbye.

little did they know, I was planning a goodbye of my own.

(Edited in 2019)