That one night (Destiel-highschool)

Chapter 20

A/N This chapter has some graphic self harm. Please don't read if you're sensitive to that kind of things. I do not encourage you to this. This is not the way! Please if you ever have to talk to someone, talk to me. I'm always here for you. AKF. Love y'all

Part 58

Cas woke up at 11 A.M. He found that for the first time in this week, he wouldn't see Dean. He was sad that he couldn't see him but he was also relieved. He didn't think he could handle it. Dean is this house, seeing him. He thought he would explode if he would see Dean now. He liked talking to the guy and sure they were friends. But he made him feel a way he shouldn't feel, or wanted to feel. His head was full and the suppressed feelings were boiling up. He really needed weekend. Just a day to relax. He got out of bed with a lot of force and grabbed some sweatpants and a sweater. He wasn't planning on going out today so he didn't care how he looked. He walked towards the bathroom and he hoped none of his siblings would see him. For once luck was on his side, he got to the bathroom without having to talk to his siblings. He stripped out of his pajama pants and got into the shower. He took a long good shower. His tight muscles relaxed and it was the best feeling ever. He didn't know how long the shower was but when he got out and looked at his phone he saw that it was 12 P.M. He never took that long to shower but he needed it. Instead of feeling stressed and frustrated he felt warm inside, like he could take on anything right now. He put on his sweatpants and sweater. He heard some sounds outside the door but he didn't think much of it. He pushed open the door and it opened only to find Gabriel, the youngest Winchester and the boy he had been missing but was glad not to see him at the same time. Dean. His warm and relaxed feeling were soon pushed away and were replaced by the stressed muscles and a pounding head. He couldn't do this, not now. He couldn't

Part 59

He was still staring at Dean when his brother began talking. "Hey little bro? Had a good shower?" He said with a smirk, he figured Gabe knew he took a really long shower. He didn't respond for a few moments that felt like forever. His eyes were still locked with Dean's. The surprise of seeing him and him looking even better well rested had overwhelmed Cas. He tore his eyes away from him and now looked at Gabe before remembering his question. "Uhm.. Y-yeah. Yeah, it was fine." He stuttered. Dean's eyes were burning a hole through Cas before Cas pushed them out of the way, walking to his room. He didn't even look at Dean while doing it, but he felt Dean's eyes on him. He closed the door of his room after him and threw his pajama on his bed. He waited for the door closing of Gabe's room before going back out again. He walked towards the bathroom and closed the door, he didn't even remember if he locked it. He just collapsed on the ground. Knees to his chest and rocking back and forth while crying hysterically. He tried to be as quiet as possible, not wanting Dean to hear him. But sometimes he couldn't let it inside. All his feelings of the past week came back, all at once and it overwhelmed him. It was too much. He couldn't breath. Just too much. He didn't want to feel those things. He want's to have a normal apple pie life. Having a wife and kids of his own. Having feeling for his brother's boyfriend didn't fit in that plan. But here he was rocking back and forth while crying and gasping for air. When had it come to this? Why did it come to this? Why did he have to have feeling for someone he doesn't want? He couldn't take it anymore. He tried to stand up, to face himself in the mirror and tell himself to man-up and forget these 'feelings' but as soon as he stood up his eyes fell on one thing and one thing only: His razor blade.

Part 60

He shouldn't do it, he knows he shouldn't. He never wanted to do it and he still doesn't. He doesn't hate himself and he isn't depressed. But his mind is racing and he can't breath. He has to do something. If he doesn't, he'll pass out. He just has to feel something, feel anything. He can't deal with this, with these feelings. He had piled them up and it was fine until he led his guard down and was blindsided by the most beautiful green eyes. He just can't feel like this. He CAN'T. His whole body was shaking when he picked up the razor. His mind was still racing and he couldn't concentrate. His sight was blurry from all the tears. He pressed the razor against his skin on his forearm and it stings when the first little wound was made. He pressed it deeper and he slided it horizontal. It made a deep cut and he watches as the blood drips on the floor. He took the razor of his skin and he let it fall on the ground. He watched the cut and it hurts like hell but he had managed to breath again. The crying had stopped and he figured so had his panic attack. He sits down on the ground and picks up some toilet paper. He presses it against the wound. He shuts his eyes at the sting he get's from the wound. He doesn't open his eyes. He shouldn't've done it, he shouldn't have. He knows that, but it was the only way and it worked. He let's his head rest against the wall and he just sits in silence. He couldn't hear a thing and the wound was almost forgotten. His eyes widened when he heard someone come in. Shit! He had forgotten to lock the door. He was tried to quickly stand up but as soon as he puts any pressure on the cut it hurts like hell again. He looked up to see who the person was who would now know Cas's darkest secret. He cursed under his breath when he saw a certain green boy standing in the doorway with wide eyes and concern on his face.

(Reminder: I don't encourage you to do this! Please don't do this to yourself! This is NOT the way. Please if you ever feel the need to do his talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a parent or shrink. I am also here. Talk to me if you need. I'm always here for you! AKF. Love you all!)