About a Girl

What Happened Next

Kurt and I continued our friendship the rest of junior year, and I was still dating Kevin. Senior year was amazing, but I could sense more conflict in his life. His problems with his parents were worsening, and his mother even banned him from hanging out with his gay friend. Still, my friend hid his true feelings from everybody except Chris Novoselic and me.

It continued like this, until one day, just days before graduation, Kurt called me and told me he was dropping out of school. "You have to finish," I told him, but he asserted his view firmly. He promised he'd try to keep in contact with me. Kurt wasn't there the next day. It felt like part of me left the school when he did.

I went to Washington State with a major in Interior Design, class of 1989. Unfortunately, Kevin and I had to break up, because he was going to college in Florida. I thought I'd never find anyone else when Kevin Romano went away.

I scoured over Aberdeen phone books to try to find Kurt to talk to. I do know that he was arrested for graffiti at age 19. But he kept on honing his talents, playing in bands. In 1987, his band with Chris had become Nirvana. They were signed by an actual record label and released their first album, Bleach, in '89. Of course I bought it, but it was never a hit anywhere outside of Washington.

Nirvana had five drummers before finding David Grohl in 1990. Kurt was the lead singer and guitarist, obviously, and Chris, who had chosen to go by his birth name, Krist, was the bassist. Then, finally, in the September of the following year, the band made it big time with the release of the single "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and the album Nevermind. Nirvana was everywhere, and my high school friend became a celebrity.

I went to quite a few of Nirvana's gigs. One in the year Bleach debuted, and three later. I remember going to a backstage party in 1991. It was after the concert, and I finally got to talk to Kurt again. He told me he'd call me often. Looking into the stormy ocean of his eyes, hearing him say "Stefanie" again, gave me a new sense of calm. I couldn't believe this was the shy boy from Aberdeen High.

The next year, I moved to Los Angeles to set up a larger business. That's where I went to two other Nirvana concerts. That year, Kurt Cobain married the singer of a band called Hole- Courtney Love. And they had a beautiful daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. For once, he finally seemed happy. And I was happy, too. I had moved to LA with my boyfriend from college, Jacob Atkins. His own blue eyes and blond hair reminded me of Kurt's.

1993, the year I married Jacob Atkins, was last time I ever saw Cobain perform. His talent was chilling and phenomenal to watch and listen to. But towards the end of that year, his life started to go downhill. Nirvana had another hit album, In Utero, but Kurt didn't seem to like all of the fame.

He became addicted to drugs and his depression worsened. I saw it in tabloids and on the news. It didn't feel like some distant figure's struggle, it felt like my struggle, too. He checked himself into rehab on. I was powerless to stop his downward spiral, his fall into the dark abyss.

My worst fear had come true. I'd woken up and gone through my day as if nothing had happened. Then I found out that he decided to take his life.

That's what brought me to that moment. Jacob and I were in Los Angeles, thousands of miles away from the Seattle home where Kurt's body was found. But I knew that my heart, and his heart, was in Aberdeen.

Tears filled my throat, but hope hung overhead. He'd given me more than I could put into words. Quietly, I whispered, "Thank you for changing my life, Kurt. I miss you. Thanks for everything."