The Further (Mis)Adventures of Wallace the Lion

The Further (Mis)Adventures of Wallace the Lion (Chapter 1, A Regrettable Meal)

The Further (Mis)Adventures of Wallace the Lion

Chapter 1

A Regrettable Meal

Winston, having just stared into the grinning face of Wallace the lion, turned back around and faced the front of the coach with a wide-eyed disbelieving look on his face before whispering to Ted out of the corner of his mouth, "I don't wish to alarm you old chap but that lion's sat on the seat behind us." Just as he was delivering this news to Ted, the last person arrived on the bus; the doors slid shut and the driver pulled the bus out of the car park and headed back to Castleford. This latest arrival on the coach; Edith, began to make her tottering, clumsy way down the aisle and then quite unsuspectingly settled herself down next to Wallace.

"Eeeee, is that you in front of me Ted?" screeched Edith in voice which sounded like it had been scraped down a blackboard, "only I've left me glasses on t tram, me see'rs not me lookers, me lookers are back at 'ome, but I can't see a bloody thing wi'out me see'rs."

Now Ted's brain, which at the best of times ran about as quickly as a Blackpool donkey with its head in a nose-bag, was still taking in the devastating news recently delivered by his pal, and this made his usual stutter even more stuttered.

"yyyyyyyyyye..."

"S'alright, I know it's you Ted" interrupted Edith, "but listen ere" she continued dropping her voice to what Edith believed to be a whisper but in reality had merely changed resonance to something resembling a dentist's drill, "there's a bloke sat next to me 'ere with a scruffy old brown suit on, the untidiest haircut I've ever come across, but his bloody breath!.... urrrgghhh..." shuddered Edith, "His ruddy breath smells like he's not brushed his teeth in a fortnight, to tell thi t truth, it smells of fish but with the bouquet of a chimpanzee's armpit, and that's ruddy swearing." She rasped. "Now I don't judge folks's hygiene habits, but I don't think I can stand this all the way to ruddy Castleford." As things would turn out, either fortunately or unfortunately, largely depending on one's opinion of Edith, and indeed whether or not one was in Edith's shoes, she wouldn't have to.

Wallace, having now completely recovered from his ordeal within Madame Tussauds waxworks, now firmly had his mind set on dinner, as his stomach was now telling him it had been at least 5 hours since his lunch of fish, chimps and mushy bees back in the zoo, and Wallace couldn't believe his luck when the two gents who had been plaguing his very existence all afternoon unwittingly once again wandered into his domain. Now Wallace had never heard the proverb 'revenge is a dinner best served cold' however something very similar was just making its way through his leonine mind when Edith suddenly appeared and sat down on the seat next to him. The one way conversation which then passed between Edith and Ted cut Wallace to the core. Scruffy brown suit? He fumed, untidy haircut? BREATH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE'S ARMPIT?? He'd never been so insulted since that horrible boy had stuck that stick in his ear all those years back, he turned and glared at Edith and opened his jaws as wide as they'd go.

Now Ted's mind was just weighing up the preference between Edith's nerve- jangling voice raking his ear-drums for the entire homeward bound journey, or alternatively to be put out of one's misery by being eaten alive, when abruptly the assault on his ears suddenly ceased and peace and quiet embraced the coach once again. The only thing currently audible was the faint hum of the buses engines broken only by the occasional grunting of old Gilbert's snoring across the aisle. Now Ted had known Edith for a good number of years, long enough in fact to know that you didn't cut Edith off mid-sentence, you didn't interrupt Edith mid-sentence, and likewise Edith never paused for breath mid-sentence, so therefore you hunkered down in the defensive barracks of your soul until she'd finished whatever rant it was that she was ranting on about and you could emerge once again blinking into the sunlight. But indeed Edith had been cut off mid-sentence and the realisation began to form in Ted's mind that perhaps Edith had met an untimely end, the subsequent belch from Wallace accompanied by the breathy breezy scent of lavender only served to confirm the fact. "Bbbbloody ell" whispered Ted to Winston out of the corner of his mouth, "bbbbloody lion's etten Edith, what the bbbbloody ell we ggggunna do nnow." He whimpered, beads of sweat beginning to break out on his brow.

"First thing is we have to stay calm Ted old chap." Whispered back Winston in Ted's ear. "Worst thing we can do now is panic and show it we're afraid, I didn't win success on the field of battle by showing the enemy fear." He continued assertively, "now, are you sure Edith's been eaten and that she hasn't just fallen asleep?"

Ted very slowly began to turn his head around the corner of the seat head-rest, steeling himself for the mess on the seat behind where Edith had been. There was no mess, but there was no Edith either, and Ted was almost preparing to breathe a sigh of relief when out of the corner of his eye he caught the horrific sight of the remnants of Edith's blue rinsed hair do, sticking out the side of the lion's mouth. "Lllllooks llike he's ssssswallowed her whole," stammered a terrified Ted, turning back to Winston, the beads of sweat now beginning to turn into meandering rivers running down the side of his craggy jowls.

"Need a few minutes to think old chap." Declared Winston before turning his head towards the window, so Ted wouldn't notice the worried look on his face.......

Wallace in the meantime was wondering how he could rid himself of some of the unpleasant aftertastes from the old woman gnawing away annoyingly on his pallet, and deep within his gut. His fine dining experience on the human form was limited to just two meals including the one he'd just eaten, the other having been a much younger juicier specimen who'd had the ill-conceived idea of poking Wallace in the ear with a large stick. Both dishes had gone down just as easily, however the taste and bouquet of each one couldn't have been more different. The only disappointing thing about the former was the taste of the young lad's cloth cap, which Wallace had subsequently managed to spit out, however there was nothing left to spit out from the latter, saving a clump of purple hair at the side of his mouth, everything had gone down. The problem facing the lion now though was whether or not it was going to stay down. There had been a distinctive leathery texture to this last meal with an aftertaste of lavender and chemicals, and Wallace decided he needed a drink, however seeing as there wasn't one available he thought it may be a good idea to take a look at the scenery outside and try to take his mind off things. Wallace stretched himself out using the extra seat recently occupied by Edith and looked out of the window with a decidedly worried look on his face.