Haven [Marvel | Bucky Barnes]

Chapter 23

There was a distinct possibility that Iris was going to sink back into the near-comatose mess she'd fallen into after James had left. Either that or she was going to go insane.

She hadn't heard anything.

Nothing.

Not a word from Sam since he'd had her check into this hotel.

And that was days ago.

Days of doing nothing but sitting and ruminating on everything. Everything from her memories of James in DC to the dead look in his eyes when he'd been under the mind-control only a handful of days ago. Her hand lifted automatically to her throat only to clench as it hovered above her collarbone, knowing very well that it had become a useless tic. Her eyes prickled again but she blinked past it. There was no point in crying over it; the necklace was gone. Likely broken or torn off when James had sent her flying into that glass wall. She was upset that it was gone, of course, but she couldn't bring herself to resent it or blame him.

Just like she couldn't quite bring herself to blame him for the giant black and purple bruise spreading from just above her shoulder blade that she had predicted. It still ached to move, especially her shoulders, but it was finally starting to ease. She was healing well enough. At least, physically she was.

Mentally she wasn't so sure. If she hadn't wondered if there was something wrong with her before, she was certainly wondering now.

Not wanting to turn James in when she'd realized who he was? That made a certain amount of sense then. She hadn't known who he was at first and he had proven himself a good man over and over again, even saving her life before she found out the truth about who he was. Once she knew he was the Winter Soldier, however, the logic became murky. By then she'd cared about him...even loved him already. She was sure it was crazy, her impulse not to turn him in—to keep him safe, her subconscious insisted—even when any sense of civic responsibility said she should have. Hell, she lied to the police for him. If that didn't say something...

Then he'd left. After that she should have let him go, moved on with her life. But she hadn't. She'd held on to her feelings, her memories. She'd made a deal with Sam Wilson to make sure she was told when James was finally found. She'd gotten a passport so that she could get to him no matter where in the world he reappeared. And she'd done it too. Her very presence in Berlin was testament to her devotion...obsession? She ground her palms against her eyes. Yes, she had to be obsessive. Anyone else she knew would have given up on him, on ever seeing him again, ages ago. But nope! Not her. Iris held on to her feelings and to the hope that she'd see him again, that they could someday be together. If part of her didn't feel utterly pathetic about that...

And then she'd seen what he was capable of, had seen what any sane person would insist he was. She'd looked into his face and seen nothing; no emotion, no humanity, nothing. She'd watched him hurt people, kill even. She'd nearly watched him kill a woman even as Iris had been trying to stop him. She'd watched him throw another through a plate glass window. She'd watched him try to shoot Tony Stark. She'd had nightmares of those few horrible moments every night since then. She had to be nuts not to want to run screaming from the man behind it all.

But despite it all, despite her common sense telling her she should be trying her best to forget him, she couldn't help herself; she still cared for him. She still loved him.

And she needed him to know that.

She didn't even know when she'd realized that. All she knew was that she should have told him as much that last night when he'd stayed. In a way she had, even if it wasn't in those specific words; the way she'd asked him to stay after they'd made love had said it the only way she'd been certain he wouldn't run from. Now she couldn't help but wonder what might have happened had she said 'I love you' then for real. Might he have stayed a little longer? Taken her with him? No, he never would have taken her with him. He might have told her he was leaving, though...Iris harshly shook her head.