Shards // jerrie

17: Mid Term Break

Jade's POV

His service was held in an uptown church. It was grand and lavish, the exact lavish that his life with me lacked.

The church was big. I looked down the long white marble aisle, taking in the long distance I had to walk in order to get to him. But this is the closest we'll ever going to be after today. Perrie was beside me- she had never left my side since our kiss last night. I held her hand even tighter, a mixture of fear and sorrow overwhelming me as I took each step.

Rows after rows of plush chairs lined the sides of the aisle. But they were empty. Only Leigh was at one of the front row, looking as distraught as ever. Maybe I shouldn't have blamed her that much.. Nathan is her son after all. Jesy said she would come later as well, and that was it. That was the amount of love Nathan had received throughout his premature life.

Other than that, the people there- I could only recognise as Perrie's servants. I was grateful for them for organising his funeral, but that was love he got only after he lived.

I turned to Perrie, letting her know I wanted to do this alone. She nodded, gave my hand a squeeze and went to take a seat beside Leigh, her eyes never leaving me.

And there he laid. In the three foot long white box. His blonde hair was parted to the side, like how I'd normally comb it for him, and his eyes were closed, and it occured to me that I'll never get to see those blue eyes ever again. With all the embalming, he looked less pale than he was when I last saw him, and he was still the handsome little boy that I loved, no, love, so much.

I pulled out the book- his favourite book, slipped it into the side of his coffin, and pressed a kiss on his forehead, like I'd use to do when tucking him into bed. The coldness from his body lingered on my lips, forcing a warm tear to slip out of my eye and onto his cold body.

"As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I whispered closely to his ear, touching his silky blonde hair for the very last time. I forced myself into the moment, because I wanted so bad to remember him forever. Remember how he look as he is sleeping, remember how the touch of his hair felt. And once I was sure I got it crystal clear in my head, I pulled the coffin gently shut, putting him to sleep for the last time ever.

I went back to Perrie and held on to her for my dear life. Somewhat, having her beside me just made everything feel better. I don't know what I'd do without her.. Then I realised that Leigh was there as well.

"Jade.. I'm sorry.." I just shook my head, refusing to respond. I know she was feeling equally bad- 3 years and 3 days ago, she was the one in the hospital giving birth to him. But I couldn't find the magnanimosity within me to forgive her, or speak to her. The tears just kept rolling down, and I felt Perrie tightening her grip on me.

Leigh sighed, and went back to take a seat on the opposite aisle. I didn't look up at her. I couldn't. I just cried deeper into Perrie.

***

"It's alright, Jade.." She whispered into my ears. It's not alright, but she said it with such conviction that I believed her.

After the service we moved to the burial site. The graveyard was huge, filled with tombs- unlike the one I saw in my nightmare. Yet seeing rows upon rows of graves still pained me. It pained me to know that Nathan wouldn't be home with me anymore. This was his new home, and I'd never get to see him again. Never. Not even his body.

I bit my lip so hard, I'm pretty sure it was bruised. Perrie gave my hand a tight squeeze as we made our way to an empty plot of land where his grave would be.

The burial ceremony was simple. There were just the four of us there, gathered around his small, 3 foot long white box. We said our final prayers, then took turns to place a handful of dirt on the box.

And that was it. A short burial, for a short life.

As they prepared for the burial, I felt myself break even further. It's like when you break a piece of glass, you get a shard, and you think that that shard is a piece of broken glass. Yet if you trample on it hard enough, that shard can break again into more shards and those shards can break into even more shards. It's like there's no limit to being broken and I feel like I'm just being broken, again and again and again. I once thought there's only a fixed number of pain in this world- like there's physical pain, and emotional pain. But right now, I think I've discovered a new kind of pain.

His three foot long box was lowered.

A three foot long box; a foot for every year- and an extra one for the year he never lived to celebrate.