Where the Mind Wanders

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 The Thursday lunchroom slop is particularly disgusting today. I already know why, but it doesn't stop me from eating it. The snickering of Jonas's posse to my left; the missing salt shaker from my table; the overpowering salt that dissolves my saliva. He must have dumped the entire thing into my bowl hoping to get a reaction from me. Salt or no salt, I am going to finish every last bite. It's the only meal I get.

Luckily I finish eating by the time the lunch bell rings. I follow the small mob of students toward the kitchen and dump my plastic utensils in the designated trash bins. I slowly make my way toward the double doors to enter the hallway when I feel a firm hand on my shoulder. I turn to see the red face of the lunch lady, Mrs. Chung. Her already creased eyes are narrowed with anger. She talks at me quickly with her heavy accent, throwing in several Chinese replacements. I haven't the slightest idea what she is trying to say until she rips something from my backpack. It is the largest of all the copper ladles they use in the kitchen. Oh, now I understand.

The incomprehensible screeching of Mrs. Chung has caught the attention of Mr. Burrows, the Vice Principal. He comes in and attempts to understand the situation as the other students shade their faces and speedily exit into the hallway, hoping they aren't the next victims. Mr. Burrows reaches a similar conclusion upon seeing the ladle.

He turns his sweaty face to me. It his job to handle situations such as this, but he must still not be used to someone yelling directly into his face. He takes the ladle from Mrs. Chung's hands and holds it before me. "Did you try to steal this?" He asks.

"No."

He studies my face, searching for truth or malicious intent. I hold his gaze as he continues his search for a full minute. He must be comparing today with the other events that have been happening this week. It started with a simple pair of vibrating teeth that were placed in my desk on Monday and every day since I have been in the principal's office almost every day for some reason or another.

Finally he sighs and shakes his head. "We'll just say this is a warning, Cassie." He places the ladle back in Mrs. Chung's hands and she walks back into the kitchen shaking her head while muttering in Chinese. "Just stay out of trouble." Mr. Burrows says resolutely and makes his leave.

Class has started and left empty halls. I still need to grab my textbooks for class so I head toward my locker. I stop and stare at the metal door for several minutes. The lock is missing. I probably shouldn't open the door. It will probably fall under the same category of all the other situations in which I have been placed throughout this week.

The question as to why it started this week was never really posed. Jonas lived in a wealthy family where his parents showered him with presents that were intended to take place of affection. The only intimacy he received was from Lauren who walked into the school Monday morning on the arm of another guy. I know stress is processed differently by everyone and this was the method he chose.

Ultimately I cannot enter the classroom without my textbook so I must face whatever awaits behind the door. I can identify the contents just with my nose before I even see it. Sure enough, every inch of the small space was stuffed with dirty gym clothes. Several - if not all - of the shorts carry an undeniable streak in the back which adds to the smell. I reach forward and casually throw to the floor the gym clothes that are in the way of my textbooks on the second shelf. I will have to finish clearing this out later. There is nothing of worth -

SMACK! The sound of the textbook slapping the tile reverberates through the empty hall. My hands desperately grip at any fabric I can as the uniforms thud to the floor in a flurry. The top shelf contains nothing but the haunting metal. My knees shoot with pain as I fall the ground and begin to claw through the lower half of my locker. It has to be in here. It has to be. Would he take it? Did he know? Abruptly my right hand flies to my mouth as a pain jabs my fingertip. I sharply inhale through my teeth right before the taste of blood touches my tongue. My left hand continues the quest. Please don't be glass. Other than the newly acquired blood, my locker is empty. A painful pressure begins in my chest and my breaths become strained. My left hand rests on the unforgiving cold of the vast emptiness as I close my eyes and gently place my forehead on the corner of the neighboring locker.

It took an entire week, but he finally got a reaction out of me.

~ ~ ~

Cigarettes. Mom is home today. I gently close the front door behind me and weave my way to my room through the kitchen so I don't have to walk past her door. On the few days she does come home it is always late and then she usually leaves fairly soon after she wakes up a few days later. She will remain peaceful as long as I let her sleep.

Upon entering my room I flip my backpack to my chest so I can access the items therein. The contents of my locker are placed one by one on top of the wood. I will just carry these in my backpack from now on.

"Cassie." My mother's voice comes from the doorway.

I turn to face her silhouette. "Hi mom."

"Where's the food?" She coughs into her elbow.

"We don't have any."

"You ate it all, you fat slob!" She places uneasy legs in front of her and makes her way into my room. Her face glowers as she approaches. She is within a foot of me when something catches her eye. She coughs and reaches a hand forward to rest on my dresser. "Why do you have this!"

My eyebrows raise slightly. "Please..."

"He's never coming back! Not for me and especially not for YOU!" Even with her sluggish state she still manages to make contact with the snow globe with a swipe of her arm.

THUD! My elbow thrusts into my mother's stomach. The contact of my mother's butt on the floor is accompanied by a series of curses. Time slows as I lunge forward. My shirt catches on the corner of the dresser, snagging my projection and hindering my distance. I scream at the fabric and tug until it is nothing but shreds. I turn back to my goal, but immediately stop in my tracks. My breath catches in my lungs and I stand perfectly still as the shards of glass splatter the carpet. The dull light of the faded lamp is just enough to display the vast colors of the sparkles strewn before my vision. The liquid slowly seeps into fibers like blood draining from the source of life.

~ ~ ~

The door closes behind me and I throw my backpack into my room. It is so nice to be able to keep my stuff in my locker again. I grab an apple from the countertop and wander into my mother's room. She looks so peaceful lying on her bed. I really shouldn't disturb her, but she's happy again.

"Sorry I am home so early, Mom. Everyone was asked to go home after what happened today." I proceed to tell Mom of the events that transpired.

It started out like a usual Friday. The giddy excitement of the weekend fever accompanied most of the cheery faces as they entered the main doors of the school. We had a football game at home this evening so that was also a pretty big topic of conversation. Everyone had even gotten to first period with everything staying the same.

Then as soon as the classes started it was like a metaphorical being hit fast forward. EMTs and police filtered through the hallways into the Woodshop. Lauren was the one who found the body so she was quickly taken by the police for questioning, but not before the identity of the student body spread like wildfire.

Some of the students reacted with tears, some reacted with a shake of disbelief, but the main reaction was shock. One minute he is there preparing to play football and the next he is hanging by a noose made from the lamp wires.

The police asked all the students to leave so they could investigate, but by that time it was already accepted by most everyone that it was a suicide. Some whispers were heard from the nerds that have been at the butt of many of his pranks. They theorized that he was always a joker because he was empty inside; no one took the time to care about him - not even his parents - so he felt like there was no reason left to live, especially after Lauren dumped him. I silently agreed with them as I'm sure did others, but not many voices were heard above the shocked silence.

I look out at the window at the Sun that only just began to rise in the sky. "I know Jonas wasn't very nice, but it really wasn't his fault. He was in pain. He suffered for a long time." I look back down at my mother's peaceful face and grab her hand. She's already beginning to get cold. "He just needed a little help like you did, Mom. Now you're both happy just like you deserve."