What It Is And Isn't

Chapter 16

The Doctor was very quiet after she spoke, not wanting to say anything about it. Instead of words, he reached out and laced their fingers together, a silent reassurance that she was not alone. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, because she could and because she had a feeling that it would make him feel as good as it made her feel.

She stayed close to his side, not moving, not having the nerve to move, because she knew what came next. A light flickered to life above them, an old, yellowing light bulb with a string hanging from it. She chewed her lip and looked over at the Doctor. His face had turned stoic, and the shadows of the room cast across his face in such a way that she couldn't tell quite what he was really thinking.

"Doctor?" she whispered, still looking at him.

"I'm looking for a door," he told her, his voice quiet.

Rose let her lips in a thin line and she tugged his hand, trying to get him to look at her. Finally, he did, the shadows casting over half of his face and effectively hiding part of his expression from her. She found her brows furrowing as she said, "You know what Phillip said. They were trapped, him and the girl he was with."

"She tried to kill herself."

"Is that what you're worried about?" She asked, surprise evident in her voice.

He turned away from her but the tight grip he had on her hand didn't break. She realized that she was staring at him but couldn't find a word to say. He was really worried that she would be affected in the same way the woman with Phillip was. She couldn't find anything that would appropriately assure him otherwise.

She frowned at him. "I'm not gonna kill myself," she said simply. "No matter what happens, I'm not gonna do that."

His eyes looked pleading when he turned to her again. "Rose, you don't know how your mind will react to this."

Thump, thump.

It began, the steady thumping that Phillip had talked about. She resisted the urge to close her eyes. The Doctor tried to turn away from her but she grabbed his chin with her free hand, making him stay looking at her.

"I'm not gonna do that," she said fiercely.

"You don't know-"

"I do know," she cut him off, sick of him thinking that she couldn't handle things, or that he knew what she was going to do next. "I know that I would never leave you, not like that, not by choice. I could never abandon you. Don't you understand that?"

She felt more than heard him swallow. "It doesn't always have to be about me, Rose."

"Yes it does," she said firmly, "Because you will never make it about you."

His eyes were downcast and she was overcome with the urge to kiss him, but didn't think here and now would be the most appropriate time to do so. She pulled her hand away from his chin and stroked it down his shoulder before letting it fall to her side. He sat down heavily, his hand still in hers. She sat too, cross legged, her other hand covering the ones that were so tightly intertwined and sitting peacefully on his knee.

Thump thump.

"It's never going to end, is it?" he asked softly.

"Why are you acting so defeated?" She demanded. "Why?"

"Because I've put you in danger again," he said.

Thump thump.

"I've put you in danger plenty of times as well," she reminded him.