i don't think it's really sunk in yet, the level to which i love you. i still think it's a tiny, schoolgirl crush, but my heart knows better. i always seem to fall for the funny ones, the ones i can befriend using my sharp tongue and my snarky brain. the ones who, incidentally, only ever want to be friends. one of my friends, who's in on the favouritism of my heart, asked you today whether you liked me as a person. you joked that i was annoying, i replied in kind, then you said in a gruff voice, that was heartbreakingly fond, that i was alright. and with that, my heart set itself on fire and jumped into an exploding sun. i called your name because you weren't listening and your head snapped up. when your group was asked to focus on the audience in drama, your eyes went straight to me. when our teacher switched the spotlight on, it glowed over your skin, and dear god, you had never looked so ethereal. your face was sharp but your smile soft as your friend, shadowed, whispered something. i think my brain's caught up with the inner workings of my heart, now. and oh, god, it is screaming in pain. you see, my brain remembers scrambling for the pieces of my heart two years ago, it remembers when i fell for a funny boy. he was like you, maybe a little softer and maybe he liked reading more than you, but he was the same. he smiled widely and laughed at my jokes and made his own. i was softer then, too, and more obsessed with reading then i am now. a friend of a friend told him i liked him and i didn't even mind, my young, naïve heart was full of hope and beating steadily. he smiled at me languidly the next time he saw me, and then he told me he'd just like to be friends. i haven't spoken to him in two years, and the summer after a friend of a friend told him, i moved away. it was okay. i was okay. my heart only cracked a little, and it was easily fixed with some electrical tape and the realisation that he was a dick anyway. you see, if i get rejected by you, i'll tell you it's okay and my crushes normally only last a year anyway, but the thing is this isn't a crush and it's not okay because I'm going to see you nearly every day for the next five years, and i can't stand the heartbreak.
