Taste Of Me

five.

I haven't seen Lisa in 5 weeks.

Somehow deep down, I'm thankful that I don't have to see her and maybe that way I could spare myself from the embarrassment that I felt that night, however somewhere deep in me I felt sad for a reason I knew but didn't want to admit to myself.

I wanted to see Lisa, but how can I crave to look for someone that I barely know.

Well maybe because the only reason I knew her was as 'the girl who always went to the diner and glanced at me while being on date,' type of thing.

In a way I'm very thankful, but somehow somewhere deep down I wanted to see her, and quite frankly I didn't know what's wrong with me. Why after all the shit she has done do I still want to see her?

Have I become desperate for love? To finally love someone that I want to be with?

Since coming out, well to my friends, I haven't really gotten myself out there-you know in the love department- but I've had tried, really I have, but sometimes I guess people aren't interested in you. Well not some people, let's just say my college entirely plus this town.

Still after all of that, why did I even went to the diner when she was on the date? Why I'm still thinking of her when I only had glanced and short answers with her? What is it special about her that's making me want to reach out to her once again and just see her.

I've always liked from afar. To all of the crushes that I had, I've found comfort in just watching from a far. I personally didn't want to confessed and just thought that just watching the was enough. I thought so about Lisa before, but now I want to get closer towards her and even maybe have a relationship with her.

I don't know why she had this kind of effect on me when all she has ever shown was someone who doesn't care about others, and quite frankly maybe that was a message from the universe telling me to get away from her as fast as I could.

I just wish my heart knew that.

"Are you okay?" My sister, Khia, asked me when she took noticed of my strange mood.

"I'm fine, just stressed with school and work." I gave her a fake smile, and continued to look at my phone waiting for a call that's never going to come.

I hate feeling this pathetic, but I knew that somehow that's what I am, a pathetic girl who began feel strong feelings for someone that gave her 5 seconds or attention. I sigh and decided to lay down on my bed to stare at the white ceiling, contemplating on what to do with my life, but I knew what I wanted so bad, but I couldn't have.

Her.