Enlighten Me (Ryden)

Chapter Five

It would take a lot of time to piece back what was. What was comfort, and love and embraces; everything. They were already broken, being broken further that point was undefinable.

They were walking along the pavement from opposite directions to the cafe they promised to meet at. Brendon was shivering and very temporary relief met him as he set foot into the relatively warm shop, the scent of tea, coffee and bread welcoming his nose. It smelt like Ryan, who drank coffee all the time.

The coldness sharply tugged at his heart again the moment he saw Ryan. The older boy sat in the corner, shoes removed and he was sitting on a couch, knees brought to his chest, head to his knees. He was crying, he got his second chance and — and Brendon. Brendon pulls his sweater off and unto the table.

He could not lose him again.

"Ryan, Ryan. I'm here." Brendon frowned. "What's wrong?"

"S'nothing. Just." So many thoughts racing through his head, and the voice that sought out to him felt like it gave them a little stir — and it gave him a little headache. It should be okay because Brendon was there. He was frowning at the older boy, he was not disappointed at him in any way; albeit a little discouraged and the coldness was still tugging at his heart and he was lightheaded but he was worried.

He didn't want anyone to worry about him. "I just got you back I can't lose you again and everything's so out of place and my — my dad found out where I am and I can't ignore it." He sobs loud and ugly. "I can't loose you again, Brendon."

Brendon's heart, so full and content and warm before was turned cold by the hands of the coldness tugging at his heart. It tugged hard enough that everything was spilling out the edge and into his bloodstream. His hands felt cold and clammy, love turned cold was not anything cute but what he had and what they both had, it was painful love at its best. He didn't want to believe it, Ryan's father couldn't have found him, right? This was just a nightmare, something he would wake up from and he'd be back in his dorm at university. But it wasn't, he found himself pinching his arm for good measure.

"No — no he couldn't have. Not that we've found each other again, after all these years of being half-full. What do you mean? You can't possibly — it's not possible, right?" Brendon tried to convince himself. He takes deep, shaky breaths. He would do anything so he wouldn't loose the boy in front of him, not again.

"He fucking found me, goddammit! What part of your retarded fucking mind does not fucking get that?!" Ryan yells, stands up quick, but falls back down on his chair.

"Oh, okay." Brendon says, slowly shying away from him, but still staying there. He was scared out of his mind, and for a second he thought Ryan was going to hit him. The cashier looked at them sadly and shook his head, going into his lounge. To give them some privacy, he supposes. And his heart pounds against his chest, and he breathes deeply.

"Oh, oh my." Ryan says, his head suddenly back in his hands. But Brendon hums slowly, an old tune he forgot about. His hums were cracked, his lungs were paper thin. He would hold him until he forgets, until they both do.

He will never stop holding him.

"I'm so sorry, you're not retarded. You're — you are. You are mine." Ryan almost pleads, he pulls Brendon's shirt towards his chest, leaning down and listening to his heartbeat. "I'd never ever hurt you, not if I can help it no."

Fast, unsteady beating.

They sat there, Brendon humming and Ryan sighing and crying. They both did not seem to mind, but they know that tomorrow will be a day they will remember. And Ryan won't be there.

Ryan won't be there.

Ryan's going away.

"I-I'm going to move to — to move to LA, and when I do, I don't want you to contact me. Forget about me, don't think of me, don't cry because of me. I love you, so much. Move on, please. I don't want you getting hurt. He can kill me, beat me up, bruise and break every part of me but you are one part he cannot reach. I don't want to —" Ryan cries out, loud ugly sobs. "I'm so sorry Bren. I'm so so sorry. We only just found each other, this was supposed to be our happy ending. This was supposed to be our happily ever after."

Brendon holds the broken boy in his arms. Humming sweet nothings, the hole in his chest burnt like hell. It shouldn't be this hard. "I finally find the one person I want to spend the entirety of my life, and if there is after then — then it would be so much better. But this fucking happens." Ryan holds Brendon closer to him sobbing. Brendon's shirt was wet, he was not going to wash his favorite shirt. "Please, please move on from me. This isn't going to work, it's too risky."

"I know it's hard." Brendon whispered softly, he could taste the salty tears on his face. "But I know we can get through it."

Ryan lets go of Brendon's shirt and stands up in fury. "WE FUCKING CAN'T, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME IT WILL BE BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING NOT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT, YOU IGNORANT FUCK!" Ryan choked on a sob. "Let go of me, move on from me. Stop loving me, just go away."

Brendon walked away, he didn't bother wiping the tears away from his face or look back. He chokes back sobs, angry at himself for falling in love with the beautiful boy — but he would still do everything for him

Ryan holds Brendon's abandoned blue sweater to his chest.

The next day was when Ryan would move to LA. Brendon did not say goodbye, and Ryan, although he told Brendon to stay away from him, cried. He doesn't deserve a fairytale ending because he is a fucking son of a bitch who had a fucking bastard of a husband; he was messed up.

"Ryan?" Philip looked disheveled, glasses strewn across his nose and hair all over the place. And a hickey on his neck. "It's time for you to go." He said softly, choking on his words. Philip has always been emotional.

"I'm gonna miss you so much Philip. But they're gonna catch him, and we'll be alright." Ryan says, sobs in every word. He embraces Philip in the saddest of ways, and bids him goodbye for one last time.

He does not stop thinking about Brendon as he walks in the airport, on the plane, out of the plane, out the other airport, at his new apartment. He only had a small amount of memories about the boy, so he worried he might actually forget him one day. Forgetting was scary, but maybe he will.

He eats his chocolate bar and looks at the well-kept apartment in front of him, courtesy of Mommy Lester herself. It was homy, Mommy Lester was big on being cozy while tidy at the same time. It smelt like cinnamon, like Brendon. Ryan throws his bag to the floor and cries.

Brendon was something to be put in the past, he was going to move on from him. And Brendon was too.

They were going to cry until they forget about how to feel.