Our Life Project

Making the Difference in Myself

By Alexus

For a lot of kids, it was around the grades of second to sixth that it seemed someone's parents were splitting up. I was never sure if it was because of the way everything seemed to go haywire at that moment or if maybe the parents all gathered together and decided it was good idea. Whatever the case was, I was one of the kids whose parents decided they had had enough of one another. I was nine years old at the time, and when they split up, it was as if the ground beneath me had been cracked in half as well. Suddenly, I was in two separate worlds with two detached families.

Because of the divorce and the broken connection between my parents, I found myself unable to form relationships with new family members filtering in. With two sisters, a half-brother, and a step-dad, it seemed that my family ties were completely severed. Three years ago, I broke communication with my father and have yet to hear from him. The strain was only made worse, however, I was suddenly being dragged every which way. I was on the move constantly and unable to wrap my head around the new house I was in before having to pack up again and leave. It was hell.

Once high school started, it only got harder and harder on me. I was new to the school district and rumors about me were suddenly spreading like wildfire throughout the school. How could a new kid, with no relation to any other peer, suddenly be put under other people's thumb so quickly? The names I was called and the abuse I suffered led me down a dark path. One of the darkest paths I've ever gone down.

I began to suffer from severe anxiety and depression. The damaging thoughts of others suddenly became my own and all I could think about was how fat I thought I looked. Do you know what it feels like to look into a mirror and be disgusted with what you see? If you have, then I pray you can one day step in front of that reflection and see how truly beautiful you are. But at the time, I couldn't see it and because of that tunnel vision, I gained another thorn to my bush of bad memories. This was my eating disorder and self-harm. I thought I could cut the ugliness out of me, starve the fat from my body. But I was wrong not only for thinking that was solution, but also thinking so lowly of myself.

It was during my senior year that I discovered Sam and Colby. I actually met them in person before learning about who they were. They showed me how I could help myself break out of the shell I had wrapped myself in. Senior year I got a lot more involved. I joined a leadership club, created a project based off of Onward and Upward, and developed a spirit week on YouTube that hit one hundred subscribers in the first three weeks.

I lost a lot of friends due to everyone else's opinions of me. Getting involved with two of the biggest clubs on campus helped me meet new people and grow more confident. I found a passion for writing and photography and those distractions led to a big thing in my life, staying clean. It has been one year since I last cut myself and since I let the idea of what other's thought of me rule what I ate.

I am now eighteen years old, a graduate of high school, and heading to college to be an expressive art therapist. In the future, I want open / start a program for kids and teens to come in a use different mediums of art in a form of therapy to help express themselves as well as meet new people their own age.

For those of you out there who are lost in the other people's opinion, unsure of the future, or flat out unhappy with your life. Take a moment to step back and breathe and realize that you got this. No one else's opinions of you matter because in the end, it is only you who can make the difference in yourself. Much love, Alexus.