Reed & Roden

10 / end

When he wakes up, there's no telling if it's night or day—everything's just a myriad of blinding light in this hospital room. Roden's not even sure how he's still alive after that god-awful episode, and he doesn't know if he should be angry or grateful.

If anything, he's just tired.

Reed's taken residence on the chair beside his bed. She hasn't said much, but she doesn't need to. Roden understands, what with the swelling and redness of her eyes, and the regret and pain written in her gaze. He understands why she's devastated he's here, but most of all, he understands why she cries quietly when Roden turns on his side and thinks he's asleep.

A doctor and a nurse come in a few hours later with Knox tailing behind. They carefully explain the surgery to Roden—including the standard procedure, its possible risks, and what to expect afterward. They tell him that he needs to sign an informed consent form before leaving.

Knox gives Reed a fresh set of clothes. He places a hand on Roden's shoulder and tells him good luck before stepping out of the room to find something to eat for Reed.

It's when she comes back that she speaks. "Do Viktoria and Steve know?"

He shakes his head.

Then it's quiet between them again, the clicking of the pen against the clipboard the only sound.

Roden puts the pen down, exhales heavily and glances at her. "It's ironic, isn't it?" he murmurs with a slight laugh, hand coming up to rub his chest. "The reason I'm living is also the reason I'm dying."

Reed closes her eyes. "Roden—"

"I never wanted you to find out."

"That would've made me fucking hate you."

"Ah. You swore."

"Now's not the time for jokes," Reed snaps, anger etched onto her expression. Roden smiles. She's beautiful even when she's mad. "Your life should mean more to you than...than—"

"Than you? Well, life's meaningless if I look at it that way."

"How can you say that?" she whispers, eyebrows drawing together. "How can you not think of...of Knox, or Viktoria, or Steve, or your future, or me, for fuck's sake, what do you think I'd feel if you...God, I hate you so much—"

Roden reaches out and gently envelopes her hand in his. "I'm here, aren't I?"

Reed's lips tremble as another wave of tears grace her face. "You're here because you have no choice."

"I still have the choice to decline the operation."

"Roden, please. If you don't have the operation tomorrow, then you won't get another chance."

He coughs. Twice. One of the last few petals falls from his lips. "What was the chance of you loving me if I wasn't in danger of dying?"

She swallows hard and looks down. "I just...well, I needed more time—"

"That's not something I have anymore, Reed."

Her delicate fingers leave crescent marks on the back of his hand as she grasps it—holds onto it like it's her lifeline. "I could've—I could've loved you, Roden. I could've crossed the line. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"You already said that you do," Roden reminds her, presses his palm to hers and laces their fingers. "And that's enough for me."

Reed shakes her head. Furiously wipes the tears away until new ones stain her cheeks. "It's not for me. The doctors are...they're ready for your operation. You need to sign the consent form."

Roden shuts his eyes. In a pained whisper, he looks up at her and says, "I'm scared."

"I know."

"I don't want to forget how it feels like to be in love with you."

She tightens their hands together and smiles hesitantly. "I'm not worth keeping these feelings for." Her voice is so heartbreakingly sweet and gentle. "I'm not worth your suffering."

"Don't tell me what I feel for you."

"Roden, please—"

"Shut up. I'd rather be dead than look at you and feel nothing at all."

"And if you die," Reed whispers, "I'll never forgive you."

And if this is what Reed wants, what would make her happy, then he'll do it.

In the morning, he's wheeled to the operation room.

It's cold.

*

Later, after the surgery, there's no ache in Roden's chest. His lungs are quiet for the first time in months, and it feels like he could finally breathe again.

"I thought I'd miss the feelings," he says to Knox, rubbing the skin over his heart. "But it's like they were never there. Huh."

"That's good, right?" his best friend asks carefully.

Roden nods. "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

Reed smiles at him. "You can talk to your coach about swimming when you've healed completely."

He turns his head, looks at her, and draws his eyebrows together. "I'm sorry, but can you leave? I don't—I feel weird. Having you here. I don't think I can stand it."

Even with surprise in her eyes, she's up on her feet in a second. Knox sighs. "Yeah. I'm, uh, I'll see you tomorrow."

"We can see each other at school," Roden corrects her slowly, as if unsure. Reed swallows. Feels the ache in her chest. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Reed assures him with the same smile. She leaves the room.

And if her tears say that it's okay for her to lose him as long as he's alive, then she'll believe them for now.

Because it's a month later, when Roden wins the state championships and leaves the venue without as much as a glance in her direction, when she's holding up the very poster she made for him back at St. Patrick's, that she feels it.

It starts as an itch by her chest. Crawls at the back of her throat.

She lifts a hand to her mouth and coughs.

A beautiful and striped purple petal falls from her lips and onto her hands.