I'm just going through the motions now. It's obvious. Maybe that's why nobody bothers with caring about me much? Because it's clear I'm not into life right now?
Thinking about it that way makes me feel sick. I'm nauseated by myself, the way I am. I should give up while I'm ahead, right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
I can't do that though, since I promised I would try. But I don't really know what I'm trying to do. Am I trying to get better? Am I trying to pretend better?
I don't think I can keep that promise. I'm losing my battle. I'm slipping deeper into this abyss of despair and hopelessness. I can't find the rope I used to be able to reach for when I needed to get out of here.
Maybe that's the whole reason I'm sick. I need to get worse, to become comfortable with this. I need to be able to understand this, what it's like to be trapped inside my own hell, somewhere I created by and for myself.
This is something I need to handle, to survive. I need this to happen. I can't get better, at least, not yet. I have to feel everything, to feel nothing. I have to hate everything, to hate myself. I have to want death, to want suffering. I have to be alone, to feel alone and deserted.
While it hurts me, and it shelters me, and it protects me, and it scares me, I can't wait to see the light at the end of this. I can't wait to get back to a simpler life. I can't wait to wake up in the morning. I can't wait to feel. I can't wait to be free. I can't wait to be alive. I can't wait to see things from a brighter perspective.
But, I can wait. And I will. Because it's inevitably in my future. Whether I am actually living that different life, or if it comes as my eternal rest, I know I'll reach that life. So, I can wait. And I'll wait, and wait, and wait ever so patiently until I decide I've had enough of the darkness. Of the night. Of the death. Of the loneliness. And I'll break free all on my own, at my own pace, my own way.
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"See, you're just wasted, and thinkin' about the past again... Darlin', you'll be okay."
-Pierce The Veil, 'Hold On Till May'
