***WARNING: ABUSE/GASLIGHTING/SLURS***
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***IN CASE YOU MISSED THE FIRST WARNING***
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***ABUSE/GASLIGHTING/SLURS***
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i was going to do something positive and sunshine-y for part 100 of this work, because its been my goal to get to 100 parts by the end of 2016, but then last night happened.
yesterday before dinner my mom and sister and i put together the synthetic christmas tree that my dad had bought three weeks before. there was a bit of discussion among the four of us about the exact placement of the tree, but we were also getting ready to eat so not much was resolved. after dinner, i went to take a shower, and while i was in the shower a few things happened. first, my parents disagreed about how to wind the lights: my mom has always started from the bottom, and my dad (who always has to be right about things like this) said to start from the top. then he was putting the lights on and something happened with my sister and my dad got upset/cross and left the room so my sister finished winding the lights. when i got out of the shower, she was basically done but there was a bit of length left over, so i wound it around and used it up. then i went to find my dad and see if he wanted to see the tree.
so he comes out to the dining room, which is where we put the tree, and he goes "there are fewer lights at the top than at the bottom." and we go "mhm." and he goes "if youd done the lights starting at the top then it wouldve been better" and my mom and sister go "we did. well, you did." and so i ask how much my dad did and my sister says he did the top third of the tree, wrapping the lights around, and he denies that and is mean to my mom and makes her cry. and then he walks out of the room.
i stayed there for a few minutes, trying to comfort my mom and trying to think of what i could do to not make the situation any worse. my sister suggested that i, as the one in the least wrong position according to my dad, could go and try to talk to him, so i did. after a little while he was saying some things about my mom about which it subsequently became clear that they were false but he sees things from a very different perspective than the three of us. anyway, my mom came into the room and was still crying and was telling him that the things he was saying werent true, and it escalated and he told her to shut up and cussed at her, and my sister snapped and cussed/yelled at him. which is her way of dealing with him, and its valid, and i cant fault her for that. and then he threatened to damage/dent her trumpets (she plays trumpet and it's the only thing she wants to do with her life). but i was rly scared that because she did that he would get even angrier and maybe hit someone or break something, so my mom and i sent her away and i followed her and told her that she needed not to have done that and that i loved her. then i went back to do damage control.
damage control took 3+ hours and it was after 11 pm when it finished. honestly there are a lot of things that i cant remember just because of the emotional intensity and the sheer volume of stuff that was talked about. the thing that hurt me the most though was that in the context of discussing my sisters behavior some things were brought up including the fact that during our childhood my sister was almost exclusively preferred over me, especially by my dad. and providing specific examples of that brought up memories for me of being hit/punched/kicked/having things thrown at me and also of the same things and worse happening to my mom. and at one point, trying to get the point across, i said to my dad that from our perspective, based on things that hed said to us over the years, my sister had been the "reasonable" one and that my mom and i had been the "stupid bitches."
anyway, i didnt get to sleep until around 4, and woke up at 9. and this morning my mom said that my dad was getting at her about a bunch of stuff, including some stuff that id done that wasnt even wrong or bad stuff, just little things like maybe not doing as much work as my mom and sister when we cleaned the house and one time when my cello practice didnt go as well as it usually does because i hadnt slept well and wasnt concentrating as well (which is normal and happens at least once a month) but i just felt so numb and nothing and i am nothing and i havent been able to take compliments all day and i dont want to live if this is what my life is and i know that it wont be like this forever but its all ive ever known
i want someone to love me genuinely but i cant let anyone in and even if i do i always somehow manage to push them away
i feel ugly and worthless and nothing and i cant stop myself from feeling this
