ill // phan au

s e v e n

"goodnight birthday boy!"

I chuckled and waved at immy, chris and phil before walking into my room and closing the door.

I let out a breath and sat on my bed, pulling out my sketch book, looking through all the drawings I had.

many were of my brother and others were nature, trees, flowers and plants but I was glad I spent a lot of time drawing my brother as I could now go back to these and remember when I did draw him and what he was doing, how we would joke around and whenever he was distracted, I would sketch him.

I started at the drawings for a little longer, wishing I had put more details into his face but still grateful I had these to look at.

I will get him out of there.

if you ever manage to make it out of here.

watch me.

I sighed and put the book under my pillow, lying down and staring at the ceiling.

sleep wasn't happening any time soon, I knew that. I wondered if phil would come by like he'd been doing the past nights.

as if on cue, there was a soft tap on my door and I rolled off the bed, opening the door and smiling at phil who was standing, clutching his ball.

"how does the birthday boy feel?" he asked quietly and I laughed, shaking my head and letting him in, closing the door behind him.

"so, your family seems nice. are they nice?" phil questioned, sitting on the floor and crossing his legs.

"they're alright," I shrugged, sitting across from him.

"I wish my family came to see me... but they don't care about me to begin with." he said, squeezing the ball and letting it go, watching it roll across the room.

"what's your family like?" I asked.

he hesitated, glancing up at me a few times. "they... um, they don't like me very much. my older brother sees me as a mistake and my parents agree with him. how would you define a family that loves each other except the one kid who has anger issues, anorexia, depression and refuses to sleep because he has nightmares that wakes everyone when he screams in the middle of the night?"

I could feel my heart sink as he spoke and his voice broke near the end but he grinned and shook his head.

"I didn't mean to tell you that but now you know how fucked up I am."

I pursed my lips together. "I would define your family as ignorant because of how they see you. I don't think you're a mistake and we're all a little fucked up, don't you think? I literally have a voice in my head that I constantly fight with."

phil reached for his ball, avoiding my gaze. "I think they were just happy to get rid of me when they dropped me off."

"hey, I'm kind of glad because now I know who phil lester is and I'm grateful," I told him, attempting to cheer him up.

he closed his eyes and smiled, shaking his head.

"you really do know what to say," he chuckled quietly and a tear rolled down his cheek.