ill // phan au

t e n

just throw something at it.

what do I throw?

anything.

I softly tapped the window. it wasn't thin and there was not much in my room I could throw.

I wanted to leave. I was starting to feel more and more like a prisoner and I was aching for destruction, anything I could do that would hurt me but it was safe here and I didn't like it.

fucking do something.

you do something.

I didn't understand why I thought talking back would do me any good. instead, I found myself hitting the window angrily, taking off my shoes and throwing them against the window, throwing my book and pencil at it and nothing happened.

I could feel my fists pounding against the window as if the first time wasn't enough to prove that it wouldn't break.

grey didn't give up though and he continued to hit the window, desperate to get out of here. I was desperate too but I couldn't bring myself to try. I was angry but an angry that made me want to cry and hide from the world. grey, on the other hand, was the angry that made you want to punch someone and yell at people.

I didn't want to deal with either.

"dan!"

"what?"

it took me a moment to realize that had come out of my mouth and not very quietly either. chris was staring at me with slightly wide eyes and surprise was all that his face held.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered immediately. "I didn't mean to yell at you, I am so sorry."

I didn't know what to expect but I was taken aback when he changed his expression and gave me a warm smile as he walked in, closing the door behind him.

"I know it gets overwhelming and tiring here, but believe me, those windows won't break. I've tried everything. of course, I know how to get out by now but I won't be leaving any time soon." he said and shrugged.

grey was demanding I ask how to get out but we both knew very well that chris wasn't going to tell us and I was too exhausted.

"you have the chance to get out, so why don't you?" I mumbled, sitting on the floor as my knees began to give up.

"it wouldn't be easy to understand but here, I have a purpose. I show new people around, I make sure everyone is getting along, I like to help and talk to others because most people are more comfortable talking to someone who is as equally unstable as they are instead of a professional that doesn't really react. I try my best to stay positive and make sure others are also trying to be positive. I have no purpose outside of here." he explained, sitting across from me and giving me a patient smile.

"what about pj? wouldn't you want to escape and be free with him?" I asked.

I guess I understood that the concept of helping others is what made him happy but there's was still so much outside of here that he wasn't going to experience and I didn't understand how he could live with knowing that.

"I... well- I'm..." he seemed at loss for words.

I almost felt bad for saying anything but my curiosity always did get the best of me, even in the worst situations.

"my point is, you get used to being here. you'll eventually make it out so have a little hope, okay?"

he completely avoided the question.

I know.

"don't you think pj would want to get out of here?" I muttered.

"phil's coming back tomorrow so let's try to be positive, all right?" chris said, ignoring my question again.

"does phil know pj?"

he was already on his feet and was making his way towards the door without another word and soon, he was gone and I was alone with grey again.

***

chris walked into the tv room where I was sitting at a table with immy as I waited for phil to come back.

he showed up behind chris and I saw that he wasn't holding his ball. it wasn't anywhere to be seen and it worried me.

he took a seat beside me as chris sat next to immy and turned to watch the tv. I turned to look at phil and the first thing I noticed was-

he smells like an ashtray.

"how was it?" I asked quietly and I was already regretting saying anything.

"it's a fucking funeral, how is it supposed to be?" he scolded.

someone forgot to take a nap.

shut up.

"right, I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "um, do you smoke?"

"no, my dad does. he smokes everywhere and now I smell like him."

I nodded slowly, looking down at my hands as I picked at my skin nervously. he wasn't in the best mood and I wanted to do something about it but he already seemed angry at me.

"where's your ball?" I asked in hopes he'd slowly feel better but he looked slightly more pissed off.

"my dad threw it in the trash."

that was not the answer I was expecting and now, I felt guilt for asking.

I softly put my hand on his arm and opened my mouth to speak when he flinched and pulled my arm away from my hand.

"don't fucking touch me,"he snapped, his voice low but loud as I recoiled.

regret flashed across his face and he got to his feet, shoving his hands in his sweater pockets before storming out of the room.

"shit. I'll be right back," chris sighed and chased after phil.

guilt and self hatred was all I could feel as I watched chris disappear as well.

I could hear immy ask if I was alright but I didn't want even look at her so I left and ran into my room, kicking the nearest thing to me and sinking into the ground as tears spilled from my eyes.

this just wasn't working.

*****

hiiii i'm sorry i'm slow at updating iM tRYING I SWEAR

i also changed my un for like the 6th time aye

i could be sleeping wtf is my life

i hope you guys enjoyed this tothosewhoarestillhere i'll try to update asap

goodnighttttt or morning or afternoon or evening

byyeeee