Alice on the Outside-in

Part 6

"Order, order!"

The two monsters I'd met earlier eating a browser, the Chief and the Councillor, were sitting as though they were judges in a court of law, high over the others present, including myself. Over to one side in the stand was another, the rude bulging, painting creature from before. This time its hands were tied and it stood proudly while other forms taunted it from below. I clasped my hands over my ears due to the constant noise of the crowd filled with strange shapes and...popup windows? The note-scribbling creature was snoring silently over in a corner.

"Order, order! Quiet, please!" shouted the Chief, banging the remains of an RS232 cable on its desk. The 'room' slowly became quiet and what seemed like a trial began. Was this the trial Bunny mentioned?

"Quiet in the court! I can hardly hold my serve. Now, how many counts of pointless and time-wasting use of RAM and user time was that, my learned friend?"

"40, love."

"Thank you, dear, your informality is noted. Almost game, set and match, I dare say, what?"

"We also found while taking him into custard tree..." started the Councillor.

"Custody, my dear, custody," corrected the Chief.

"Oh yes, sorry. How silly of me, custard doesn't grow on trees, only in bushes. Where was I?"

"Up a custard tree or in a bush," grinned the Winchester worm, making an appearance and slithering along the backbenches.

"Silence in the court! We shall have no worms disrupting this trial!" shouted the Chief.

"Second service?" asked the Councillor.

"Yes, what? Continue, continue."

"When we took him into cus...custody, we found him in possession of a..."

"Yes?"

"...A slide rule," finished the Councillor. Gasps filled the 'room' and the Chief banged his cable on the desk again before making his statement.

"Silence! Mr. Rogeroffsky, obsolete virus checker and malware remover, we, the Ultimate Viruses of Power, accuse you of reckless misuse of the Main Processor and of being in possession of a Slide Rule used for logarithms and trigonometry, causing havoc within the balance of our Digitalised Realm. You will be removed to the Recycle Bin and deleted forever."

The bulging form Mr. Rogeroffsky stood stone-faced, unaffected by the Chief's words.

"Call our first witness!" screamed the Chief.

"Call our first witness!" repeated the Councillor.

"Yes, call her."

"Alice!" shouted the Councillor.

"What? Me?" I was the first witness? For what I had no idea. Popups and strange forms pushed me through to the witness stand. An interfacing program held up an MS-DOS operating manual and it indicated that I should place my hand on it.

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and anything else you'd like to add to make the truth a little better?" asked the Councillor.

"Erm..."

"Argh, humans!" The Chief waved the interfacing program away. "Councillor?"

"Thank you. Alice?"

"Yes?"

"Can you please tell the court and all those present who owns the world in which we live?"

"Sorry?"

"Who owns the...laptop?"

"My sister? Well, she's still paying off the loan, so I guess it's really the bank, but..."

"Good. Can you tell us whether she is happy with said item or not?" asked the Councillor.

"Well, I guess she's quite happy with it. She hasn't hit it for a while."

"Does it run well?"

"Well? I wouldn't say that, it's a bit slow..."

"A bit slow, you say?" enquired the Chief.

"Yes."

"Ah-ha! I rest my case!" stated the Councillor.

"What?"

"Thank you, Councillor. You have shown with true clarity for myself and those present that Mr. Rogeroffsky, obsolete virus checker and malware remover, is guilty of the crimes stated..."

"But I don't have a slide rule," Mr. Rogeroffsky murmered.

"Silence!"

And there was. A thought came to my mind and I took out something from my pocket, something I should have used to help me with my Maths homework.

"I don't have a slide rule but I've got a pocket calculator. Works in sunlight, though." I held up my solar-powered calculator. There were more gasps and a few faints in the 'room' from those attending.

"Seize her! It is not integrated into our systems!" screamed the Chief, gesturing to those interfacing programs around him.

"That calculator is the spitting image of my late great Uncle Sinclair," sighed Mr. Rogeroffsky.

"Quickly, quickly! Before the child is able to do multiple division!" shouted the Councillor. Popups appeared around me and held my arms, making me drop my calculator. One of them stamped it under...circuit.

"How dare you! That was a present from my mother!" I screamed and lashed out at them, accidentally hitting one of them on the 'x' in its top right hand corner. It disappeared. With this moment of triumph, I freed both hands and hit every 'x' I could reach. Popups vanished as fast as they appeared.

"Murder! Murder!" screamed the Chief.

The Winchester worm rolled over and handed me a small container.

"Quick, drink this."

In a moment of reprieve, I read its label. 'Upgrade'. I flipped open the top and drank. The popups jumped on me, pushing and pulling me to the floor. There were too many of them, suffocating and squeezing the life out of me. The drink had no effect. I screamed.

"Alice! Wake up!"

Mum shook me awake.

"What? Mum? Where am I?"

"Nowhere. You're still on exercise one. You fell asleep."

My Mum placed a pot of tea on the table.

"Damn computer!" My sister Grace was sitting beside me, cursing her laptop. "Look, Mum, all these windows keep popping up. I must have a virus or something."

"Virus, dear? Shall I get some medicine?" asked Mum, winking at me.

"Oh, Mum!"

"And you, Alice? Are you okay?" she asked.

"I...I had a dream, Mum."

"Really?"

"I don't feel so good. I think I need something to calm me down."

"Good, here's some tea and then you can do your Maths homework."

"Oh, Mum!" I exclaimed. Mum bent down and picked something up off the ground.

"What's Bunny doing down here? Really, Alice you should take better care of your things."

"Yes, Mum."

THE END

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