Sketch the Stars

Chapter Two

Are you worth your weight in gold?

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I do so believe that the snow has finally frozen my heart. I do not grieve for my mother any longer. I am an empty shell, filled with nothing but the cold. It is the only thing that stops me from being where I want, with whom I want, when I want. It burns, yet it is cold. It took my mother's life from her cold body. It made her colder than pluto during the winter. It made the spirit she once had flee in a moment's notice. Why? It was too cold.

I feel heartless. Perhaps it is due to the fact that the snow has wrapped around my heart like the void wrapped around my shoulders. Crushing and squeezing until has me, or in this case, my heart, trapped like a caged animal. I do not know why it has chosen to take the pain away, but I do not complain. It does not hurt like the void's grip does.

No, it feels well, actually. I feel ten times lighter, but I do not know if that is a good sign. Should the pain fade so quickly? Well, I do not know, and the stars will never answer me.

Last night, I decided to rest. I had scooped up a bit of snow and shoveled it into my mouth. It took moments to melt, but I did not really give it a decent chance to before I had it crushed between my teeth. I do remember my mother teaching me that I could last much longer without food than I could without water.

To think of trees reminds me that I have finally seen the outline of distant, frozen trees. I imagine I have walked miles upon miles for this. I am ready, stars. Oh, how ready I am! I almost wish the stars would scoop me up and carry me across the sky. I am sure that it would get me there much faster than my feet ever could.

How unfortunate for me, however, because the stars do not grant a single wish. They never have, and they never will. They do not listen to anyone. They have no master. They do not obey the moon. It may seem that the moon is their master, and the stars are the slave, but no. The moon belongs to the stars. The moon rises first to do it's nightly chores, followed by the stars to judge it. When the clouds cover the stars, the stars go into hiding, but the moon stays. It wishes for something better.

So do I. Yet, the stars do not see how we are kindred spirits, so they continue to ignore me. I think it is rude, but they do not realize it. I must remain calm about it, and let the stars live out their bright, innocent lives.

I take that back. They are not innocent. They are ignorant.

I forget that time after time they ignore me still. They know who I am! They see me travel with hole-covered shoes on my feet, soaked clothes, and nothing to cover with! I sometimes wonder why I do not simply remove my damp clothes and walk naked! I'm sure I'll do myself so much better like that...

No! I feel the void coming back, but I do not want it this time. I want to enjoy this moment! There is no pain, only anger! Perhaps the snow has not constricted my heart of feelings, but only sadness! I like the rage much better than the sorrow! I cannot cope with it! I thought the void was gone for good! Quickly, snow, quickly! Ruin the void before it comes to me! I feel it hitting me like icicles in my skin, but the snow is not doing anything!

I do so want to cry, but I will not! I will not! Perhaps I should reason with the void, try to get it to leave me alone. I will find the void new friends, one that is not me. I am not a good friend. I am a whirlwind that screeches with the winter. I do believe Nivalis- the strange, cruel and frozen world it is, was destined for this winter. What if the void was destined for me? I do not have time for such foolish questions. It is too late to change my mind.

"Void, I know you do not speak, but I dare to ask you to remove your grip on me. It burns so cold! Colder than the ice on my skin! I beg of you- leave me! There are much better people to befriend... I am a walking ghost! What deal with the Devil have you made that demanded you to come for me in such a way? Oh, I am cruel.... This is why the stars do not like me, isn't it? Oh, heavens, I am rambling..."

Perhaps I should begin writing rather than rambling. Now that the void has claimed me once more, refusing to back off, the heartbreak I felt for my mother is back once more. I guarantee myself that my mother wouldn't want my writing skills to go to waste because I was too busy rambling at the stars and the moon and the void, especially when I know they will not reply to me.

I let out a sigh that looks more like a puff of smoke than my breath. Perhaps my body is expecting me to rest again. I have teased myself too much.

Playtime is over, Autumn.

I do not know who dared to speak such words into my ear, but I do not like it. My mother is gone, and they have the density to speak my mother's words! Who is this dense? Who finds themselves high enough to think they can be my mother? If Nivalis was as nice as it once was, as nice as my mother once told me it was, I would shove this insolent being off one of the cloudbreakers.

However, I am not in my mother's world. The break was expected to come before I was born, and it did. As of now I will, instead of pushing them off a cloudbreaker, show them what it feels like to have ice shoved down their throat. I quickly turn around, hoping to take whoever- or whatever- rude thing or person by surprise.

Nobody was there, however. I am unsure if I should be surprised. I suppose not. I have had many surprises in my life and none of them phase me now. I believe the void is controlling me. My emotions make me frantic, and the void deprives me of them. I suppose I should be thanking the void, though it does make my sadness greater. It is the only emotion I receive from it. I suppose it is not a void, either, as it does not make me completely empty, though I do feel so.

Maybe it is not the void's doing, but the winter's. The winter is cold, like my soul is at this point. My mother once told me about how they- both her friends and herself- danced in the spring winds, how they bathed in the summer sun, how they inhaled the sweet autumn scents, and how they made snow angels in the soft snow. Now, I just lose myself in the cemetery they called winter. I call it depravity, because now, here, in this cold, white graveyard, where there is no sun to destroy the snow, only a moon to reflect it, I can only lie down in the flakes, drawing what I can see in the dark, until my spirits leaves me and the snow can melt into my hollow chest and replace what I've lost and deprive me further of what I could've had.

I'm still wait for the void to rip my soul from my body, though I know it will not for some time. Whether it is too afraid, or too selfish, I do not know. For now, instead of laying in the snow and waiting for the void to strip me of all feeling and soul, I will search for this insolent child- the one who dares mock my deceased mother.

I search below me, in the snow. They are not there. I look up towards the star coated sky, and they are still not there. My eyes roam the world around me, into the tree-lined distance and further, and I still do not see them! Oh, God, where are they? Is this a joke? A cruel joke? I do not know! Answer me void, whether it is in my mind or out loud, answer me!

The void continues to refuse. A sick joke, this is. The void thinks I am playing. It thinks that I do not care how ignorant it is. I do care, however. I care very much. This void is my only friend. My only hope. The only thing that keeps me held down, even though it is through unreal, ice coated talons that it is able to do so.

I do not care about that, though. I only care that it is here and it is my friend. It is an emotional friendship, one full of hate and sadness, but I cling to it as I do my dead mother.

How long it will stay that way, I do not know. If anyone else knows, they do not answer. Nothing answers in this sterile graveyard. I almost wish that I was surrounded by herbalists in the Home of Healers under sickening lights much brighter than that of lightning bugs. However, I do not wish for that, as the void dares to sink its talons deeper into my skin, piercing me with icicles that don't actually exist. The world seems dull as of now, which is good, because I know that in the Home of Healers, things would not be this way, but instead, filled with emotions that I do not want.

I simply just don't have time for that.