Secrets

You're Okay

You're Okay

Why was I so stupid? What if I would've just stayed home? I could've walked away. I could've said no, but even if I had, would it have changed? Or would I still be in the mess I am in today? A moment of weakness and now I am left keeping the biggest secret of my life. I'm alone in this; I can't risk the chance of anyone finding out. Their opinions and views of me would all change, or worse, they could think I'm lying; and I don't think my ego could take it. I roll out of bed and walk to my bathroom to get ready for another normal day. What a beautiful lie it is. Normal. I stare at the mirror; I am completely revolted by my reflection. I look down, and take a few breaths. I turn around and I open the door to my spacious closet. I walk in to get a pair of skinny jeans, a white cami, a purple v-cut shirt, and my favorite black vans. I change out of my pajamas and into the outfit that I picked out. After changing clothes, I walk back to the sink, grab my flat iron from the drawer, and plug it in. I avoid the mirror as I grab my hairbrush and begin to brush the knots out of my dirty blonde hair. My flat iron beeps just as I finish and I begin to straighten my hair. Unfortunately, this means I have to look in the mirror. I take a deep breath and I try to focus on the hair, and not on my complete reflection. I finish my hair and almost slam the flat iron down, but I refrain. It's the same routine every morning; as long as I avoid my reflection before my morning preparation is complete, I feel a little better. I have always been fond of makeup. Though, since it happened I've used it as a mask, a way to not let others peer into my soul. My makeup is all neatly stored on the counter of the sink. I reach for my makeup brush and my foundation. I apply the makeup to my tan skin, avoiding focusing on myself and concentrating on the makeup itself. I replace the foundation and brush, and grab eyeliner. I apply it to my hazel eyes; they're probably the one thing I don't hate about myself. I look into the mirror when I am done. I no longer see, "Catherine Rivers, the girl with a secret". Instead, I see "Catherine Rivers, the girl who is the life of the party"; two polar opposite people in one body, strange how a touch of makeup works. I walk out of the bathroom, and back into my room. I sit on my bed and check my phone; three texts about a party that I will not attend Saturday night and one cheer-minder text. I roll my eyes, nothing new. I get up from my bed and put my phone in my back pocket before grabbing my bags from my papasan chair and walking out. I walk downstairs, and into the kitchen to get a bottle of sparkling water. I put the water in my duffle bag, and then I begin to head to the back door to leave when I hear a faint voice. "What Mom", I question having no idea what she was saying.

She walks into view, "Just saying, 'good morning'. Are you heading out"?

"Yep", I say as I roll my eyes and walk out. I start a short walk from the tree line in the backyard to the high school. I think about how rude I was to my mom. Though, for some reason, I no longer feel guilty about any of it. The guilt that used to eat me alive is now numb, and virtually nonexistent. I'm nearing the end of the trees when I stop walking. I open my duffle bag and take out the sparkling water, and also a pill container. I get two pills from the container and quickly take them. I replace the pills and water and continue walking to the school. I walk across the vacant field, and finally reach school campus. I look down, close my eyes and take a deep breath. You're okay, I lie to myself every morning. Yet, somehow it's better than accepting that I am not okay and I probably never will be. I continue walking around the school, waiting for the bell to ring. I am greeted by a million people that I barely even know. That's the one thing about being a cheerleader, everyone knows you. I fake a smile and wave, another daily routine. I pass about half a dozen different cliques before I am anywhere near the spot I meet my best friend at every morning. I begin to open the door to the dance building but am startled by the unexpected, ear piercing sound of a school bell; was I really running that late this morning? I shake my head and roll my eyes; I guess it's time for another adventure in hell to start. The campus yard is suddenly filled with students, who are all trying to make it to first period on time. As I am walking to class, I look across the yard and see a person running right towards me. I am frozen, unable to move out of the way. Only a few seconds before my sudden death do I realize that it is just a frantic Sarah. She slows down and I can see she's worried about something, "Hey, calm down. Breathe".

"I am so sorry for ditching you this morning. I was studying for a calculus test, and I overslept", she explains with heavy breaths.

I can't help but laugh. She was so worried about ditching me, she sprinted to apologize. I shake my head and smile, "Don't worry about it. I was late too. Now take your track star self to the calculus classroom and ace that test". She hugs me and we go our separate ways. The sooner today starts, the sooner it will be over.

A/N so this is my first story and I've been writing it for a while, thanks for looking at it and comment your opinions 😊