WARNING! Fairy Tales

05. Coal Black and the Seven Dwarves

Once upon a time or two, in a faraway kingdom, there lived an evil queen. You could tell that she was an evil queen because, at the age of thirteen, she had the words "Evil Queen" tattooed on her right arm (the one she used for flogging people). By the time she was twenty-seven and had ascended to the throne, she hadn't changed much, except for growing considerably meaner.

After an affair with a passing Casanova, the Queen became pregnant, and, at this, she grew very angry.

"Why the hell do I have to live in Fairyland?" Snatching up a priceless vase, she hurled it at her chancellor, who managed to duck just in time. Behind him, the vase shattered against a wall. "Why can't I live in a decent, real country where they have contraception, and abortion, and vicious, child-murdering bastards willing to do anything for a few pieces of gold?"

The chancellor cleared his throat. "Actually, we do have those here as well, My Queen."

"What?" The Queen whirled around. "You've invented abortion? Why didn't you say so?"

"No, My Queen. I don't know how to get you an abortion. But I do know how to get you a vicious, child-murdering bastard willing to do anything for a few pieces of gold. The castle huntsman would be just the man you are looking for."

"Really? Hm." The Queen tapped her foot thoughtfully. "It's not as good as abortion, of course. I would have to go through all that messy business of giving birth before killing the brat. Oh, well, it can't be helped, I suppose."

The chancellor cleared his throat again. "If I may be so bold as to inquire, Your Majesty...there's one point I don't quite understand. Why do you wish to kill your daughter?"

"Good God, man! Isn't it obvious? In case she turns out to be more beautiful than me, of course! We couldn't have that!"

"No, of course not, My Queen. But wouldn't it make sense to wait a few years? I mean, the child may turn out to be disgustingly ugly, and in that case—"

"Ugly? With a mother like me? Are you attempting to insult the royal bloodline, chancellor?"

"No, Your Majesty! Of course not, Your Majesty! I meant no offense, Your Majesty!"

"Good! Because otherwise, your head would end up as a spike-decoration! Now stop wasting my time and go fetch the huntsman!"

The chancellor fled the throne room. Only minutes later, he returned with one vicious, child-murdering bastard willing to do anything for a few pieces of gold in tow. The huntsman bowed in front of his Queen.

"My Queen? Who or what needs to be killed?"

The Queen much appreciated this professional attitude. She explained what the problem was and ordered the huntsman to return to her in a few months.

After nine months of yelling, complaining, and all-around torture for the palace staff, the Queen gave birth to a little girl. The chancellor dared to point out that the newborn was very ugly indeed and asked if they could not perhaps leave it alive, just in case.

"No!" The Queen snapped. "All babies are ugly in the beginning! Then they suck you dry and start to stand and next thing you know they start wearing their hair long and fluttering their eyelashes at boys. She has to die!"

"Certainly, Your Majesty."

"Call the huntsman!"

"Immediately, Your Majesty."

The huntsman was called, and the Queen threw the child at him. He caught it, effortlessly, letting it dangle by its feet over his shoulder.

"Kill it," she ordered. "Be thorough! And I want proof, do you hear? Bring me back some internal organ of hers after you've slit her open."